December
Journaling
1. Enjoying the Psalms more than
usual these days. David sure knew about anxiety and fear, yet even Psalms where
he questions God, he ends with praise.
2. I’m thinking about a word of the
year and a verse of the year, basically just something to set the mood for the
year, and focus my anxious thoughts.
3. Breakthru: I prayed for my former
pastor today; I knew that’s how I’d know I’ve truly forgiven him. So thankful for
this. I know too many people to let bitterness ruin their witness and future
effectiveness in ministry.
4. Leah came home for the weekend,
feeling a little homesick. Always nice to see her again. Also went to see my
niece in her high school musical. She has an amazing voice, like my
sister-in-law. In other news; a guilty verdict in the case of a Baptist pastor
we know who drugged and drowned his pregnant wife. Sad that a man who should
have been protective of them was so wicked, and also that it brings dishonour
to the name of Christ.
5. Kody would have been three today.
Still miss that crazy dog. I talked with the counsellor about my grief over the
situation with Kody.
6. We went to the annual Christmas
open house at WINGS. Every room was decorated so beautifully and there were
many vendors. We had our church Christmas party tonight. The funniest thing was
the White Elephant gift exchange. It seems the most popular gifts to “steal”
were a giant chocolate bar and maple syrup.
7. One of my aunts in Finland died
today. That’s three deaths in a month in our family. I’ll take my bereavement
day next week.
8. I can’t imagine how life changing
my dietary changes will have to be, but it looks like I’m developing
sensitivities to foods I’ve eaten and enjoyed forever, like nachos. I must be
allergic to msg. It tastes like someone poured salt all over it. What next? Maybe I shouldn’t ask that.
9. I went to the dentist today. I was
reassured that my teeth are 9 out of 10. I worry because with FMS and some of
the meds I’m on, some people lose all their teeth. Like I don’t have enough to
worry about.
10. Trying to get my Christmas cards
out.
11. I’m finding I have cognitive
issues that are new. Things I’ve always been able to do as part of my job
because of routine, I’m forgetting. Nothing serious but I feel more stress
being at work.
12. What will the new year hold for
me, I wonder. Will I still be able to nurse?
13. I switched back to the original
meds I was on, which worked so well before. I only stopped them because I
thought they stopped working, but as I am still just learning about my illness,
apparently, in Fibromyalgia, you get “flares” similar to arthritis and lupus.
So that’s what happened before. Then I had switched to a new drug which didn’t
work as well, and also made me foggy for a few hours a day. Today I had energy
to decorate for Christmas. Also, our daughter is back home till early January.
Her first semester of law school is done.
14. We gave our testimonies in front
of the church today and became members. The message tonight especially was so
good, based on 1 Samuel 5 about the glory of the LORD departing.
15. Good thing I’m off tonight, since
I’ve been coughing all weekend. Now I am stuffed up, headachy, nauseous, and on
top of everything, I overdid it this weekend decorating for Christmas, so now I
have a flare of my FM. So frustrating. I was so happy to have energy after so
long, and now I pay the price.
16. Crashed. Pain, insomnia. I didn’t
sleep one minute last night. I’m very sensitive to light and sound. Every noise
is amplified and I just want to hide in a dark room. I can’t work. Taking these
two nights off sick. . I can only do one or two tasks per day. I write a few
Christmas cards and make dinner. That’s all.
17. All I could do today was pay the
mortgage and get the Christmas letter printed. Then my legs start throbbing and
my heart is pulsing in my neck. I’m so thankful to have found some fibromyalgia
support groups on facebook. I’m not the only one! And I found out about other
treatment options.
18. A quick trip to buy a few
Christmas gifts, then a hot tub in the evening. Slow and steady.
19. I sent cookies to the family of
the soldier I used to send care packages to; he’s now out of the U.S. military.
Then I went to counselling, last one till next year. I want to learn some
coping skills for my anxiety. I’m so thankful for the counsellor and how much
she’s helped me with forgiveness, grief and other issues. I also bought a few
workbooks to help with anxiety.
20. I have bad days, and not so bad
days. Today is not so bad. I accomplished the following things; addressed 10
more Christmas cards, revised/edited two chapters of my novel, did two loads of
laundry, wrapped a few Christmas gifts, read a few chapters of a book, and collapsed
on the couch. My throbbing legs, shoulder pain, back and epigastric pain and
stiff neck were my body’s way of saying, STOP already. So here I am, writing
out my paltry list of accomplishments so you’d see how far I’d fallen from the
days before FMS. I was happy to have a few hours of quiet, since my husband and
daughter went out to see The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies.
21. Still not caught up with my
Christmas cards. Christmas time is stressful, and I don’t even have to host
this year.
22. I’m starting to save for our
grandbaby.
23. My husband offered to get me a
cleaning lady once in the new year. He’s offering because he knows how
exhausted I am, which is true. But another reason I need it is because the
smell of the cleaning supplies, which never bothered me before. I had to escape
upstairs when my husband was cleaning the floors because I felt like my body
was buzzing.
24. In Finland,
Christmas Eve is when they celebrate Christmas. As a Finnish Canadian, we
celebrated like this: It was the best and longest day. I loved it. My uncle and
I would go to the tree farm that morning and we'd chop down our Christmas tree
and decorate it that day. Then a Christmas sauna. Then, Santa Claus (Joulu
Pukki) would visit our homes (along with other Finnish families). Then we’d
sing him some Christmas songs, he’d hand out the first gift, then ask us to
finish for him, and off he’d go. I’m sure the neighbour kids wondered how we
rated a home visit when they had to wait until the next morning. Then we’d open
one gift, eat dinner, and then wash dishes. We four girls would have to wash
the dishes before we could open any more presents. It took forever. Old school,
no dishwasher. Then after presents, we’d head to our other cousins to play,
then home to play with our toys till all hours, and sleep in Christmas morning.
My sister hosted this evening. and we'd sing
him a carol and he'd hand out the first gift, and then ask us to help with the
rest, and ...he'd leave. Some years, if he couldn't come in person he'd call
and ask if we'd been good. We'd be allowed to open one gift before dinner. We
weren't allowed to open any more gifts until we washed the dishes. No
dishwasher; old school. It seemed to take forever. Then all our gifts. It was
good because the pictures were always good because we were all dressed up, not
in our pj's. Then we'd go to our cousins for more fun, and then go home and
stay up to all ours playing with our new toys. and we'd sing him a carol and
he'd hand out the first gift, and then ask us to help with the rest, and
...he'd leave. Some years, if he couldn't come in person he'd call and ask if
we'd been good. We'd be allowed to open one gift before dinner. We weren't
allowed to open any more gifts until we washed the dishes. No dishwasher; old
school. It seemed to take forever. Then all our gifts. It was good because the
pictures were always good because we were all dressed up, not in our pj's. Then
we'd go to our cousins for more fun, and then go home and stay up to all ours
playing with our new toys. and we'd sing him a carol and he'd hand out the
first gift, and then ask us to help with the rest, and ...he'd leave. Some
years, if he couldn't come in person he'd call and ask if we'd been good. We'd
be allowed to open one gift before dinner. We weren't allowed to open any more
gifts until we washed the dishes. No dishwasher; old school. It seemed to take
forever. Then all our gifts. It was good because the pictures were always good
because we were all dressed up, not in our pj's. Then we'd go to our cousins
for more fun, and then go home and stay up to all ours playing with our new
toys. and we'd sing him a carol and he'd hand out the first gift, and then ask
us to help with the rest, and ...he'd leave. Some years, if he couldn't come in
person he'd call and ask if we'd been good. We'd be allowed to open one gift
before dinner. We weren't allowed to open any more gifts until we washed the
dishes. No dishwasher; old school. It seemed to take forever. Then all our
gifts. It was good because the pictures were always good because we were all
dressed up, not in our pj's. Then we'd go to our cousins for more fun, and then
go home and stay up to all ours playing with our new toys. and we'd sing him a carol and he'd hand out the first
gift, and then ask us to help with the rest, and ...he'd leave. Some years, if
he couldn't come in person he'd call and ask if we'd been good. We'd be allowed
to open one gift before dinner. We weren't allowed to open any more gifts until
we washed the dishes. No dishwasher; old school. It seemed to take forever.
Then all our gifts. It was good because the pictures were always good because we
were all dressed up, not in our pj's. Then we'd go to our cousins for more fun,
and then go home and stay up to all ours playing with our new toys.
25. Merry Christmas! Day off today.
We finally did some Christmas baking and began the house prep for a New Year’s
Eve open house for anyone from our church who would like to come. I needed to
start now since I hardly have energy so I have to mete it out sparingly.
26. We went to my mother-in-law’s for
Jamaican Christmas dinner. Then we had a secret Santa gift exchange and a
singing game. That’s why I don’t do karaoke. I had to wear ear plugs to tone
down the noise. Loud sounds actually hurt. I was talking with my sister-in-law
and started crying. I swear I’ve cried more in public in the last year than I’ve
ever cried in private in the last decade. Who am I?
27. We attending a Christmas care
group at the home of one of the Elders from church. It was fun, and I led a
game called the Reindeer game. But I was feeling really sound sensitive so we
didn’t stay terribly long.
28. Great preaching at church, I mean
really full and encouraging. Then I spent eight hours in emerg today. I was
three hours in their after-hours clinic, thinking to spare the emerg and myself
from wasted time, but they sent me there for further testing. My three hours
there didn’t even count as time already served. They did an exam, bloodwork and
an xray, then decided I could come back the next day for an urgent abdominal
CT. I had a strange reaction while there, so sensitive to light and sound, I
had to wear ear plugs the whole time just to muffle the noise a little bit. I
also staggered like a drunk by the time the day was over. How is it that a
nurse could be allergic to being in a hospital? What will this mean for my
future?
29. Another four hours of my life
I’ll never get back, and all to be told the tests didn’t show a cause for my
symptoms. So frustrating. Story of my life. See the Herman cartoon above. Also the
same reaction today in hospital. Tingling, throbbing, buzzing, headache, noise
and light sensitivity, improved almost as soon as I left the building.
30. I went to see my neurologist for
a follow up appointment. She didn’t listen to my neurological symptoms, told me
to exercise so my blood pressure would come down, while saying that if it’s
autonomic, then there’s nothing that can be done, and wished me well. Never to
be seen again. Typical. Then, because I felt well today, I prepped for our
come-and-go open house on New Year’s Eve. Then crashed, with a feeling of
sirens going off in my body, throbbing, tingling, burning, etc. But I am so
excited when I feel good, the last thing I want to do is rest. I rest when I’m
unwell. Hard to know my own limitations at this stage.
31. We’re hosting an open house for
New Year’s Eve at our house. I can only do a little each day. Also it’ll be
harder to host like we used to, so instead I’ll host the whole church at once.
Getting to know the people from our new church. I can honestly say I’m happy to
see this year end, especially the last two months.
