Rain=Pain

June Journaling

1.  I tried making ice cream again. So far I’ve made strawberry, coconut and now chocolate banana. This was the best consistency so far, but I liked the taste of the coconut the best.

2.   My mom is having her other knee replaced today. I’m feeling so discouraged today. My vision is bad today, everything is blurry, so I can only read by listening to kindle audio. I feel so useless.

3.  Today is my husband’s 17^th anniversary since his cancer surgery. Eighteen years cancer free! Praise God.

4.   Still waiting on income. Credit cards maxed, account overdrawn. Trying to trust. On the good side, our mortgage and bills are paid and our fridge, freezer and pantry are full.

5.   My mom is coming home from the hospital today. Also went to WINGS to make lunch; oven fried chicken, corn on the cob, spinach and strawberry salad, and black bottom cupcakes.

6.   I don’t know how to un-commit to my commitment to help out at WINGS. It’s too much for me, but then they tell me how much they look forward to Fridays because of it. Sigh. And they want it to continue into July, but I need time off.

7.   I wasn’t able to go to church this evening because of pain. The rainy weather has made it so much worse.

8.   I didn’t sleep a wink last night. Final prep for my message tomorrow. Now praying for strength to deliver.

9.   I slept nine hours last night and didn’t wake up once, which is unusual. My message was well received on the Summary of the Book of John, even though I was in pain and exhausted throughout. Then we went out for lunch. I had to put my feet up on a chair while we ate. I hate to draw attention to myself, but my legs have such throbbing pain when they’re down. Teaching the Bible is the one thing that still makes me feel like my old self, and if I have enough time to prep, like months for this one, then I can do it. I have been set aside from my career, and from most of the things I enjoyed before, but maybe God will let me keep this one thing…

10.  In this time of illness, although I’ve been discouraged, I’ve never asked, Why me? Maybe it’s because as a nurse I’m a realist, and as a Christian, I believe that even this has come from the hand of a loving God.

11.  Still waiting on income. My EI has been approved but I can’t fill out the weekly form on line till I get the access code they’re supposed to mail me. I’m so forgetful. Did they already send it? If they did, I don’t remember where I put it and I’ve checked in all the usual places. Arrgh. I hate Fibro fog.

12.  I should be at the Write Canada conference, where I’ve gone for the past two years, but with no income, I can’t justify it. But it makes me sad to miss it. Instead, I made lunch at WINGS. We made lasagna, Caesar salad, garlic bread, and tiramisu. Four hours to recover. Oh, and my EI came in, but still waiting to hear about my LTD three months later.

13.  I’ve been invited to a co-worker’s baby shower, and I’d love to go, but with no money, I can’t buy a gift, and I don’t want to go without one. Also, if I could be at Write Canada, I would have been there. So I’ll be going to our Women’s Ministry finale instead; a High Tea. We’ll eat cucumber sandwiches and wear fascinators.

14.  In my Bible reading I'm reminded that He owns the cattle on a thousand hills. So maybe our finances are best handed over to God, eh?

15. I never hated rain till I got Fibro. Now when it rains it's like it's raining down pain on me because it intensifies.

16. Our daughter was in Amsterdam last weekend, then a week of field trips; to The Hague for the International Criminal court and a Tribunal on chemical weapons and one on Lebanon, then to Geneva for the UN.

17.Today my husband is 52, and he doesn’t mind at all. He’s happy to see each year, many people are denied the privilege of growing old.

18.  Some days my spine throbs and that sends vibrations throughout my body and then my brain feels like it shakes within my skull. Pretty scary sensation, and it kept me in bed all afternoon, but unable to sleep. So distressing. That’s the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, otherwise known as ME (Myagic Encephalomyelitis), an inflammation of the brain and spinal cord. I hate Fibro, but I hate this even more.

19. A beautiful day. We’ve been trying to walk. It’s hard, but as long as I keep moving I’m okay, till I get home and crash.

20. Babysitting our grandson today. He’s loving his jolly jumper, he’s getting more vocal, loves hearing singing, and is trying to crawl, like a worm.

21. Father’s Day, two baptisms and a bbq at church, then four hours crashed and in pain for trying to appear normal. But I wouldn’t miss it. I loved hearing the testimonies.

22. Finished up even more LTD forms, this time for work.

23.   Went for coffee with a friend, but she has lupus and kidney disease so she understands how hard it is to go out in public and pretend to be well.

24. I went to the grocery store today. One thing and I’m useless the rest of the day.

25. I accompanied my mom to an appointment. So tired.

26.  We went to make lunch at WINGS again. I really can’t do this anymore. The weekly commitment is too much for my health right now. We made chicken fajitas, mango salsa and nachos, Mexican rice and banoffee pie. Our daughter’s family came over. No matter how exhausted I am, our grandson always makes me smile. 

27. Rain=pain.  

28.  Last day of evening services at church till the fall. I’m still adjusting to the idea. I understand the thinking behind it but for most of my life I never wondered what to do on a Sunday evening. Also today is the Shame parade. Not sad that it’s pouring rain, even though my pain is off the charts. The U.S. followed other countries by legalizing gay “marriage”. Of course legalizing polygamy is next. Canada has had this “right” in place for a decade already. There have already been challenges to the law. Called it. And some are challenging the right of churches to refuse to marry gay couples.  It was the one caveat “promised” to those who disagreed with the idea for religious reasons. Of course, we didn’t really believe it and now I think this is going to become one of the watershed issues, separating true churches from false. I foresee churches losing their charitable status if they don’t fall in line. They misunderstand; disagreeing with something doesn’t mean we hate them. We don’t. But neither will we celebrate sin.

29.  Another follow-up with a doctor to discuss my sleep study results. Apparently I stop breathing about 14 times an hour, which is considered Mild Sleep Apnea. (I’m sure it’s even worse since the test 2 months ago), I have decreased REM sleep (the deepest sleep where you actually rest and recharge), and I have severe alpha EEG, which means my brain thinks it’s awake and explains why I have severe exhaustion all day, every day. I am not resting, even if my eyes are closed for 7-8 hours a night. Finally though, documented proof of one of my problems. This is the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/ME.

30.  I received some great feedback/critique on the beginning of my book. I really respect the person who wrote it. I’ve read a book by him. But I know to implement the changes will be a big project. The completion of this book keeps getting pushed back.

31.  I was stymied about how to change my beginning. With my usual “can’t do” attitude, I wasn’t sure it could be fixed. Then last night before I fell asleep I had an epiphany! Funny how those come after you pray about something! Anyway, now to make it happen!