Outlawed Bibles

Review of The End Begins by Sara Davison

*****

Sara Davison draws the reader into a world set in the not too distant future in Canada. The Bible has been outlawed as hate literature and the Canadian Human Rights Commission, an unelected body, has the power to investigate, arrest and sentence Christians to corporal or capital punishment.

This is the first of The Seven trilogy. The writing, characters and pacing of the story are spot-on. I found myself thinking about the book when I was away from it, and wanting to get back to find out what happened next.

The premise is terrifying and yet plausible, given the slow trend to vilifying Christians. What other group can be named in public and spoken of so scornfully? It reminds me of the early days of World War Two when Jews were named as the cause of all social ills.

I found myself imagining what I would do in such a situation: Run and hide? Stay and fight? Smuggle Bibles?

What do I do now, to prepare for such a time? Memorize Scripture? Purchase and hide more Bibles? Read and study it more?

Appreciate the gift we have in the Word of God in our own language while it’s ours. Many do not have this privilege even now.

I can’t wait to read the other books in the series. Watch for more from this exciting new Thriller author.

Severe M.E.

August Journaling

1.     Today was the first time in a long time when we had no plans, and I could sit out on the deck and fill out forms for two upcoming appointments. One last week was 27 pages. It gets a bit ridiculous. Tell us all the investigations you’ve had done and all the doctors you’ve seen and all your meds and colour in a picture of your pain. That was the funniest one. I almost ran out of colours.

2.     Church today, then more rest. I love rest.

3.     We’re going to see our grandson today. I’ll post a pic. He’s six months old now, starting to slide along on his belly, sit up alone for a minute, bounce in his jolly jumper and play peek-a-boo. We only get to see him once every two weeks or so, and he’s changing so fast. It’s also the last day of my husband’s vacation.

4.     I went downtown for a dental CT and got a ride back with my husband. Of course, as usual, I got disoriented and walked in the wrong direction again, but managed to squeak in only a few minutes late.

5.     I had an abdominal ultrasound this morning to rule out gallstones. Every day I have some kind of health appointment. In other news, when I got home I received news that my private LTD was approved! Yay, praise God! It’s not much, but it validates the legitimacy of my illnesses and their approval will help with my appeal with my work LTD. God is faithful and even though our credit cards are maxed, we’ve been able to pay all our bills on time and we’ve always had food.

6.     Today I went to see my Naturopath. Planning a liver cleanse because of all my meds, especially Tylenol.

7.     Tonight we have an appointment at the bank for our daughter’s school.

8.     Friends are hosting a bbq today. Also today is Severe M.E. day. Just another one of my illnesses. Previously called Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, it is too tame a word for it. ME stands for Myalgic (painful muscles) Encephalomyelitis (inflammation of the brain and spinal cord). Because of that the symptoms are multi-system and all-encompassing. It has some overlap of symptoms with Fibromyalgia and often occurs at the same time. But they're different and the focus of treatment is different. For example, mild exercise is recommended for Fibro, but rest for M.E. (my heart rate isn't supposed to go above 100). Also sauna and warm water exercise for Fibro, but no sauna for ME. It’s a toss-up about which one I hate more, the pain from the fibro or the overwhelming exhaustion from M.E., but I think it's the M.E. That's your public service announcement for the day. Carry on. In other news, while I was at a dinner party I had to go into a dark, quiet room by myself because of sensory overload. It was kind of embarrassing.

9.     We were invited to the home of a family from church. So nice that I haven’t had to cook all weekend. I stayed about an hour or two longer than I should have, but I took a three hour nap afterwards.

10.  Today at the pain clinic they’re trying something new. I hope it works.

11. After living with us for 15 years, my mom is moving out today. L She was moved by off duty firefighters. They were very quick. Although I’m happy for her new chapter, and I understand that it’s good for her to be with my sister, who has an empty nest, while we have each other. But I’m going to miss seeing her every day.

12. It’s nice not to have medical appointments for the rest of the week. I have lots of paperwork to finish up.

13. A rare quiet day at home.

14. Paperwork. So many forms to fill out.

15. Family event at my brother-in-law’s house.

16. Chiropractor and massage today.

17. Pain clinic today. No need for top up. Good pain relief for the pain from the neck up. I’ll take it.

18. Preparing for the Carey conference. I’ve been packing for two weeks because the simplest things take so long. I’m looking forward to relaxing and seeing friends and hearing good preaching, but I know the week will be hard on me. While there will be less electronics there, it’s an old trailer and there may be a lot of dust. I hope it will be a restful week.

19. My daughter helped me purge my clothes closet. She was brutal, making me choose between two things I really wanted to keep. It felt good to clear out four bags of clothes for Value Village and another to garbage, but I paid the price. I was on the couch for the rest of the day.

20.  Bad days and less bad days. If I dare to try to get some things done around the house, like vacuuming or cleaning the bathroom, I’m spent. I can hardly remember the days when I had energy to spare.

21. Final day of packing and baking. My mom will stay with our daughter.

22. Travelling to Paris (Ontario) for a week of relaxation. Unfortunately, the packing, unpacking and shopping was too much, and the evening service put me over the top. My back was protesting the whole time. Friends wanted to come over to visit, but I had to decline.

23.  A beautiful day resting and reading on the deck of the trailer. Great preaching as usual. Also saw some friends we haven’t seen in a few years.

24. Good message this morning, but I was unable to make it to the evening session. By whole spine was throbbing.

25. A better day, and we had friends over for a campfire, but then because that was overdoing it for me, I couldn’t sleep.

26. Today is our youngest daughter’s 23^rd birthday. Soon she’ll be off to her second year of law school. Our other daughter sent us a video of our grandson attempting to crawl. It’s more like a worm, head down, bum up, head down, bum up, but it’s cute. I couldn’t make it out this evening again, for the usual reasons.

27. Last full day at the Carey conference. Pushed myself to have a campfire and visit with friends.

28. Home again. Exhuasted. Must unpack. Our daughter came by with our grandson, so I’d rather be amused by him.

29. Today is our church picnic. We originally said we’d go, but we’re too worn out from the past week.

30. Lovely day at church today. Nice to be back “home”. Our Pastor is a very good preacher. Today he spoke on being a living sacrifice.

31.  Pain clinic and chiro appointment. That’s all I could manage.

Slow Improvement

July Journaling

1. It’s Canada Day. The one day we wave our flags, then put them away for another year. We’re going to my mother-in-law’s for a BBQ. I have to pretend to be fine for six hours.

2.  I went to the dentist today. I’ve read of a link between Fibro and root canals, because they leave the dead root in you which can be an ongoing source of infection. I had mine last August and my Fibro worsened significantly in September. I also have a toothache in that spot and my TMJ pain is worse on that side. Plus I have headaches and neck stiffness. When I mentioned it, he waved me off, and said, “Old wives’ tales.” GRRRR. At least he’s referring me to another dentist in two weeks who may remove it, which would be fine with me. So tired of this stuff. I want my health back.

3.   I went for an X-ray of my TMJ; temperomandibular joint (jaw area near the ear) in preparation for my pain clinic appointments. Yes, I have two different appointments to deal with this. If only someone can help me. I’m in pain every day, even now when it’s not raining. In other news, our daughter returns from England today. I’ll post a picture of her saying goodbye to the castle she studied in. It’s been a great experience for her and she also earned a certificate in International Law.

4.  My mom is moving out of the in-law suite after fifteen years with us. She will move out slowly over the next two months, but she will only be taking her bedroom and bathroom stuff with her, since my sister has everything else they need.

5.   I went to my doctor today, and waited an hour and a half, which is usual. Kind of frustrated with her. She tells me what I shouldn't take for pain, but not what I should do.

6.  I went to a pain clinic today. They focus on non-narcotic solutions. It was helpful in many ways but strange because he gave me a nerve block with 10 needles in my face, head, neck and back. Then my head felt heavy and puffy like after the dentist. He also used a special machine on my head which was interesting.

7.  It’s a toss-up between which one I hate more; the pain of fibromyalgia or the severe exhaustion of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/ME.

8.  Praying for energy to prepare for a dinner party we're hosting Sat. It took weeks to prepare and I don't want to crash/flare the day of. I used to take these things for granted, but now everything takes such effort and the slightest thing can be "overdoing" it. Why are we still doing hosting a dinner party, even with Fibro/CFS? Because I want to have something from my old life. Also, for my husband’s sake, because he’s had almost as many losses as I’ve had. Thankfully, our daughter and my mother are helping me prepare. I also took weeks to prepare what I could I advance.

9. I started on a supplement for energy and it’s really making a difference. After an extremely bad month for fatigue, to have even a little bit of energy is so exciting.

10. I’ve got a lot of help with prepping and it’s coming along.

11.  Our dinner party went well. I made it almost through the whole thing. Around coffee time, I had to excuse myself to lie down for a while. Our Welcome to the Tropics! menu was Starters: Nachos with homemade mango salsa, homemade guacamole and salsa. Appetizer: lime, garlic and cilantro jumbo shrimp and scallops in butter wine sauce. Soup: Spinach and okra soup. Salad: Southwestern chopped salad. Main: Jerked kingfish steaks, Hawaiian pork and pineapple skewers, Jerked chicken wings, rice and beans, vegetable medley. Dessert: homemade ice cream: toasted coconut, mango sorbet and chocolate banana ice cream. Drinks: pina colada punch, red and white wine sangria, beer and wine. That’s it for the year. Too ambitious a menu, probably, but it was nice to see friends.

12. After church today we had Summerlicious, which is just a dinner at another member’s home. You sign up as a guest or a host, and the day of the event, they match you up. Since we were hosts yesterday, we were guests today, and brought a dessert our daughter made. It was nice to get to know some people. But then I had to get home to rest.

13.I went for massage therapy this morning. This time it actually worked well.

14.I went for a CPAP trial last night at the sleep clinic. I’ll probably be getting one. They tried me with the nasal mask. They also put a sling on my chin to keep my mouth closed. I felt a little suffocated, but by morning I felt more rested. Apparently I had more REM sleep. That’s a nice change.

15. Chiropractor and doctor’s appointment today. It’s a busy week for appointments. My doctor is more understanding of my illnesses. I think she realizes I can’t work as I am right now.

16. A day in my life: Average person: Goes to a 30 minute dental consultation and carries on. Me: I went downtown by GO train. On the way there I realized I left my phone at home. Then there was no leg room on the train, and it’s hard for me to keep my legs at a 90 degree position or more. Also, at that time of day, everyone’s perfume is fresh and strong. Then when I got to Union Station I couldn’t remember which King St. subway stop it was at. I chose the wrong one. Then I got disoriented and started walking the wrong way. When I reached my alma mater I looked up and saw the sun. The sun rises in the east. Dang! So I grabbed a taxi and got there on time, albeit $10 poorer and more than tired from the walking. At the office, I was overwhelmed by the noise and light, so I popped in some ear plugs. After I got in to see him, the hygienist was accommodating and turned off the radio in the room and turned down the lights. Once he came in, he offered sunglasses for me. I told them I appreciated their accommodations. Of course, every appointment I go to leads to more tests and appointments, so I left without any help for my toothache yet. After all that overstimulation, I just caught the next train back home.

17. Another appointment at the pain clinic. This time the side effects weren’t so bad, and the pain control is so much better. Also, I’m getting much better sleep this week, which is a blessing in itself. My husband noticed that I was sleeping in a more restful position. I am also sleeping longer and deeper. I’m so excited to sleep! That’s because of a special medication he started me on. It increases my endorphins, which most people get from a good nights’ sleep, which I haven’t gotten for at least a year, or from exercise, which is hard for me to do. It should also help me to lose weight. I’ve gained FORTY pounds in two years! And if the pain gets better controlled, I may be able to decrease one of my medications which causes my weight gain. That would make me happy.

18.Today was a full day. I started by going to church to a Festival they were putting on. I sold one of my blankets and some baked goods, but left after two hours because we had free tickets to a TFC game. We met friends going down there too so they sat with us on the train. It’s was nice to chat with them, but I wasn’t able to straighten my legs so I started to feel them. Then when we got to the stadium, we found out the hard way our seats were up six flights of stairs. If I would have known, I would have found an elevator but instead I rested part way up. Then we were in direct sunlight in 30 degree weather for 90 minutes. At least I was wearing sunscreen, sunglasses and a hat, and I don’t usually wear hats. By the time it was over, I was done. But at least they won. Every other game I’ve attended ended in a tie or a loss. So it was nice in that respect, and to see the finesse of a player like Giovinco. However, they gave up a goal at 90 minutes, which is, sad to say, typical for our team. A week ago, I wouldn’t have even considered a day like today. But the new supplement for energy is working so I can manage more than a shower or appointment or grocery shopping in one day, and the pain treatments are working for the pain from the neck up, at least. So thankful for small steps.

19.Today after church we went to visit our grandson, who we haven’t seen in a few weeks. He’s so sweet. Then we tried to walk in the neighbourhood but it was too hot. My husband’s on vacation for two weeks, but because I’m not well, and not working, we’ll do a cheap staycation.

20. I'm so excited! I'm getting in to the Environmental Health Clinic at Women's College Hospital tomorrow because of a cancellation. The wait is usually 13 months, but I think I'm at the six month mark right now. Finally, a place where they "get" me’.

21. Wow! I just had the most thorough four hour medical appointment/exam. The most validation I've ever had about my illnesses. They even have posters around about MCS and EMH. Then I went for blood work and trekked home.

22. After a great appointment with the Enviro Health clinic and pain relief from the pain clinic I'm so discouraged by news from the insurance company. How can they deny my claim when my work has no place for me with my limitations? I’m so frustrated and sad. Once I get the report from the Enviro clinic, I’ll appeal.

23. While I lay here with my spine throbbing I wonder what this will mean for our future in this house. Jehovah jireh. In other news, I’m so happy with the help I’ve received from the pain clinic, at least for the pain from the neck up.

24.Relaxing day at the beach trying to forget my troubles for a while.

25. Going to the doctor today to get the ball rolling with an appeal. Then to a friend’s house for dinner.

26. It’s our 29^th anniversary. Definitely testing the wedding vows, going through “poorer” and “sickness” again. Going out for dinner with money we set aside months ago.

27. Going to another pain clinic to address the pain below my neck. Again, a pre-appointment for another later appointment.

28. For mammo today to address other concerns I haven’t had time to address. Then a beach day to forget my health woes and enjoy my husband’s time off work.

29. To Stratford to see Hamlet. It was okay, but next time I’ll try to get disabled seating so I can stretch out my legs because I was very uncomfortable.

30. Went to visit friends tonight. Another example of someone who says, “You’ve been able to sit here all evening.” Sigh. I think, but don’t say, “That’s why they call it an invisible illness. I pretend to be well, even though I’m in pain and exhausted all the time.” I make the effort for my husband’s sake. He’s an extravert and enjoys interacting with people, plus he’s on vacation. So I push myself beyond my limits for him.

31.  More needles in my forehead, temple, scalp, neck and back for pain control by nerve block. It’s a little distressing while it’s happening, but it does make a difference, at least for the pain above my head, so I’m thankful. Then we had a couple over for dinner. He was our best man so we’ve known them many decades. Again, I was spent, but I pushed through for my husband’s sake. After almost one appointment per day this month, I can honestly say I'm not sad to see this month end.

Rain=Pain

June Journaling

1.  I tried making ice cream again. So far I’ve made strawberry, coconut and now chocolate banana. This was the best consistency so far, but I liked the taste of the coconut the best.

2.   My mom is having her other knee replaced today. I’m feeling so discouraged today. My vision is bad today, everything is blurry, so I can only read by listening to kindle audio. I feel so useless.

3.  Today is my husband’s 17^th anniversary since his cancer surgery. Eighteen years cancer free! Praise God.

4.   Still waiting on income. Credit cards maxed, account overdrawn. Trying to trust. On the good side, our mortgage and bills are paid and our fridge, freezer and pantry are full.

5.   My mom is coming home from the hospital today. Also went to WINGS to make lunch; oven fried chicken, corn on the cob, spinach and strawberry salad, and black bottom cupcakes.

6.   I don’t know how to un-commit to my commitment to help out at WINGS. It’s too much for me, but then they tell me how much they look forward to Fridays because of it. Sigh. And they want it to continue into July, but I need time off.

7.   I wasn’t able to go to church this evening because of pain. The rainy weather has made it so much worse.

8.   I didn’t sleep a wink last night. Final prep for my message tomorrow. Now praying for strength to deliver.

9.   I slept nine hours last night and didn’t wake up once, which is unusual. My message was well received on the Summary of the Book of John, even though I was in pain and exhausted throughout. Then we went out for lunch. I had to put my feet up on a chair while we ate. I hate to draw attention to myself, but my legs have such throbbing pain when they’re down. Teaching the Bible is the one thing that still makes me feel like my old self, and if I have enough time to prep, like months for this one, then I can do it. I have been set aside from my career, and from most of the things I enjoyed before, but maybe God will let me keep this one thing…

10.  In this time of illness, although I’ve been discouraged, I’ve never asked, Why me? Maybe it’s because as a nurse I’m a realist, and as a Christian, I believe that even this has come from the hand of a loving God.

11.  Still waiting on income. My EI has been approved but I can’t fill out the weekly form on line till I get the access code they’re supposed to mail me. I’m so forgetful. Did they already send it? If they did, I don’t remember where I put it and I’ve checked in all the usual places. Arrgh. I hate Fibro fog.

12.  I should be at the Write Canada conference, where I’ve gone for the past two years, but with no income, I can’t justify it. But it makes me sad to miss it. Instead, I made lunch at WINGS. We made lasagna, Caesar salad, garlic bread, and tiramisu. Four hours to recover. Oh, and my EI came in, but still waiting to hear about my LTD three months later.

13.  I’ve been invited to a co-worker’s baby shower, and I’d love to go, but with no money, I can’t buy a gift, and I don’t want to go without one. Also, if I could be at Write Canada, I would have been there. So I’ll be going to our Women’s Ministry finale instead; a High Tea. We’ll eat cucumber sandwiches and wear fascinators.

14.  In my Bible reading I'm reminded that He owns the cattle on a thousand hills. So maybe our finances are best handed over to God, eh?

15. I never hated rain till I got Fibro. Now when it rains it's like it's raining down pain on me because it intensifies.

16. Our daughter was in Amsterdam last weekend, then a week of field trips; to The Hague for the International Criminal court and a Tribunal on chemical weapons and one on Lebanon, then to Geneva for the UN.

17.Today my husband is 52, and he doesn’t mind at all. He’s happy to see each year, many people are denied the privilege of growing old.

18.  Some days my spine throbs and that sends vibrations throughout my body and then my brain feels like it shakes within my skull. Pretty scary sensation, and it kept me in bed all afternoon, but unable to sleep. So distressing. That’s the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, otherwise known as ME (Myagic Encephalomyelitis), an inflammation of the brain and spinal cord. I hate Fibro, but I hate this even more.

19. A beautiful day. We’ve been trying to walk. It’s hard, but as long as I keep moving I’m okay, till I get home and crash.

20. Babysitting our grandson today. He’s loving his jolly jumper, he’s getting more vocal, loves hearing singing, and is trying to crawl, like a worm.

21. Father’s Day, two baptisms and a bbq at church, then four hours crashed and in pain for trying to appear normal. But I wouldn’t miss it. I loved hearing the testimonies.

22. Finished up even more LTD forms, this time for work.

23.   Went for coffee with a friend, but she has lupus and kidney disease so she understands how hard it is to go out in public and pretend to be well.

24. I went to the grocery store today. One thing and I’m useless the rest of the day.

25. I accompanied my mom to an appointment. So tired.

26.  We went to make lunch at WINGS again. I really can’t do this anymore. The weekly commitment is too much for my health right now. We made chicken fajitas, mango salsa and nachos, Mexican rice and banoffee pie. Our daughter’s family came over. No matter how exhausted I am, our grandson always makes me smile. 

27. Rain=pain.  

28.  Last day of evening services at church till the fall. I’m still adjusting to the idea. I understand the thinking behind it but for most of my life I never wondered what to do on a Sunday evening. Also today is the Shame parade. Not sad that it’s pouring rain, even though my pain is off the charts. The U.S. followed other countries by legalizing gay “marriage”. Of course legalizing polygamy is next. Canada has had this “right” in place for a decade already. There have already been challenges to the law. Called it. And some are challenging the right of churches to refuse to marry gay couples.  It was the one caveat “promised” to those who disagreed with the idea for religious reasons. Of course, we didn’t really believe it and now I think this is going to become one of the watershed issues, separating true churches from false. I foresee churches losing their charitable status if they don’t fall in line. They misunderstand; disagreeing with something doesn’t mean we hate them. We don’t. But neither will we celebrate sin.

29.  Another follow-up with a doctor to discuss my sleep study results. Apparently I stop breathing about 14 times an hour, which is considered Mild Sleep Apnea. (I’m sure it’s even worse since the test 2 months ago), I have decreased REM sleep (the deepest sleep where you actually rest and recharge), and I have severe alpha EEG, which means my brain thinks it’s awake and explains why I have severe exhaustion all day, every day. I am not resting, even if my eyes are closed for 7-8 hours a night. Finally though, documented proof of one of my problems. This is the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/ME.

30.  I received some great feedback/critique on the beginning of my book. I really respect the person who wrote it. I’ve read a book by him. But I know to implement the changes will be a big project. The completion of this book keeps getting pushed back.

31.  I was stymied about how to change my beginning. With my usual “can’t do” attitude, I wasn’t sure it could be fixed. Then last night before I fell asleep I had an epiphany! Funny how those come after you pray about something! Anyway, now to make it happen!

What I Like About Being Sick

Strange title, eh?

I recently read an article written by Toni Bernhard, who has been chronically ill for a long period of time. She even wrote a book with the unique title of How to Be Sick. In the article, she suggested we turn our complaining on its head by listing what we like about being sick. Crazy talk!

So don’t get me wrong. I HATE my chronic illnesses and invisible disabilities. I HATE them every minute of every day. I HATE all the losses I’ve experienced because of them. I MOURN the loss of who I once was, the life I had, the changes to my present and future, the uncertainty, the decreased income, my lost career and so many other things.

But I digress.

That said, is there anything good about all the suffering and pain of the past two years? Anything?

Perhaps these:

I don’t have to wake up to an alarm clock.

People are not depending on me (my children are out of the nest).

I don’t have to commute to work.

I can take the required 2-3 hours to shower and get ready.

I can control my diet.

A person’s life and health are not in my hands (oncology nursing).

I don’t have the stress of my job.

I save on commuting costs.

I can stay indoors in inclement weather.

I’ll never have to shovel the driveway again (because I can’t).

I don’t miss any events/functions because of work (only illness).

I can spend more time with my family.

I can spend more time in in-depth Bible study.

I can crochet.

I can write on good days (I mean, less-bad days).

I can read (whether I retain it or not is another issue).

If I have insomnia/poor sleep I can rest the following day.

My schedule is wide open for appointments.

I can prepare slowly (weeks in advance) for any guests.

I can volunteer as my strength allows.

When I have a Fibro flare or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome crash I can suffer without any guilt about missing work/events.

I can clean my house one room at a time, or not at all.

I can wear comfortable clothes.

I can plan meals and budget.

I can see my grandson more often!

That list surprised me as much as it did you! There are indeed some blessings in the midst of this season of suffering, thank God!

How about you? Can you come up with your own list?