Recovering, Planning and Writing

March Journaling

1.     I did a bit of editing of my novel based on suggestions from my critique partner, so I feel good about that, but no real “creative” work. Also, I received a book I ordered on life in Bible times and it’s very helpful for setting in my novel.

2.     Stayed home from church again, recovering, but I listened to last weeks’ sermon on-line. He is beginning a series on Jonah, which I was looking forward to hearing. Our Pastor does narratives so well. You can hear it under sermons at www.faith-baptist.ca Also, I am working on the plans for my party. I am putting together the music play list for the d.j. I have to find one who will play only what I want. I’m a bit of a control freak that way, but hey, it’s my party.

3.     Out to the grocery store today. I can walk slowly and have the cart to hold onto. I have help lifting the groceries in and out of the car.

4.     Blogged about the awkward years of the last half of public school. Also writing the introduction to the book I’m editing for church. I heard back from the publisher and it takes about three months from the time they write the contract up to completion. I need to get it to them by the end of this month, then.

5.     Was able to get onto my work account so I can print my T-4. I also made chocolate cake waffles for dessert. We ate corn on the cob and Northern smelts.

6.     Went out to the mall with my husband, so I could get some exercise. I’m getting stronger. We also bought props for the photo corner for my birthday party.

7.     I made beef stew in the crockpot today. It worked out well. Otherwise, another wasted day.

8.     My outing was grocery shopping with my husband. Also did research, reading a book about everyday life in Bible times. Horrible news about that Malaysian airlines plane crash.

9.     Sunday. I will attempt the evening service tonight. It’s a little shorter, time-wise for me, so more manageable. I feel like I’ve been away forever.

10.    Finally! After some much needed research I was finally able to write a scene that belongs in one of my earlier chapters. Now to finish up the last few scenes near the end, and I should be able to write, The End. My husband dragged me out for a walk in our neighbourhood. I haven’t gone out on those paths in the seven months since we put our dog down. It made me cry. Then I came home and made brownies, because nothing but chocolate would help.

11.    I went out for breakfast with a lady from church, or rather she took me out for breakfast. It’s one of my favourite meals, even if I always get the same thing; eggs. Then a long nap because I didn’t sleep well last night.

12.    Working on editing the Testimonies of Faith book, but I’m feeling a little frustrated by some people’s change in plans. I am the editor and I’d like to continue the book in the direction it was proposed two years ago, so I can meet my deadline.

13.   A good writing day on my novel. I read through part of it. I’m at 70,000 words and can see that I need to write just a few more scenes. I see an end in sight. So encouraging. Also celebrating that our youngest daughter was accepted at Law school. It’s not her first choice, and she may still hear from the other schools, but at least there is this option for the fall.

14. I went out to get a new photo for my health card, then my mom took me out for lunch and I went grocery shopping. A little cleaning tonight, as we’re having a couple from our church over for burgers in the evening.

15. I baked some Carmelitas, and vacuumed upstairs. May have been too much, but I’ve got to push myself to have more stamina. Work will be here before I know it.

16.   Made it out to church this morning. A long morning, but I’m glad I went.

17.  I had a good writing day today; mostly dividing up my chapters into manageable sizes, adding an appropriate Bible verse at the beginning of each, and updating my chapter synopsis record which is needed for a proposal. I was able to see which scenes still need to be written, and began keeping track of who’s who so I stay consistent with names and descriptions.

18.  Planning a lazy dinner of leftover fried chicken and perogies so if I’m on a writing roll this afternoon, like yesterday, I won’t have to stop everything for the big production of dinner. Why does my family need to eat…every…day?

19.  Out for lunch with my mom and sister; my treat. I don’t have much to spend my money on since I’m mostly at home and saving money on transportation. Then we stopped at an Estonian bakery for some meatpies. I made chicken noodle soup to go with them.  I also decided on cupcakes for my party, instead of a cake.

20.   A friend came over to help with planning my party and making props for the photo corner. Also excited to learn my eldest got a social work job at the Yonge Street mission and my youngest was accepted into law school for September. So proud of my girls.

21. Pretty good writing day. I made pea soup in the crock pot and we ate it with dark sour rye bread. Suddenly I'm a kid again. It was comfort food.

22.  Went out for dinner for my niece’s birthday. She agreed to be the photographer for the photo corner at my party.

23.  My husband filed our taxes today. Our return should help pay for my party.

24.  Church this morning, with a missionary couple from Romania whom we support. Then my daughter and I went for a cupcake tasting and chose the flavours for the dessert for my party.

25.  Haven’t accomplished much today except for improving my procrastination skills. Will go to IKEA tonight for a walk and maybe to get some kind of storage for my writing room to get this stuff up off the floor.

26. A little further on the manuscript I need to send to the publisher on Friday. Just need to do a final proofread and decide on formatting.

27.  My mom is 74 today. I had taken her out for lunch, but as usual, she insisted on cooking dinner and my sister’s family came over.

28.  Found a nice fish and chips place nearby. Something different.

29.  My husband went to a men’s breakfast at church. I prepared a message for the April Women of Faith on Psalm 24, Who is this King of Glory?

30. Missionaries at our church today, then a Providential dinner. Long day, but I’m feeling stronger.

31. More party planning, bought a few things like tablecloths. Also taken out for lunch by my friend. I have nice friends. The party planning is coming along. Also finished the manuscript for the Testimonies of Faith book for our church. Will send it tomorrow.

The Awkward Years

Junior Highschool. That’s grades 6-8, isn’t it? Our public school in Sault Ste. Marie consisted of Kindergarten thru grade 8, then highschool. But if I was to focus on those three years, I’d say they were probably the three worst years of my school career.

When I was moving up to grade four, they decided to take six of the most advanced from our grade, of which I was one, and add them to a split grade four/five class. Suddenly, the group I had been with since age five, I’d only see at recesses. I found it quite stressful to be in a new environment.

I’m not sure what their thinking was in splitting us up. If it was to give us an advantage somehow, I don’t think it worked. In fact, I’m sure it backfired. My marks plummeted for the first time in my educational career, beginning in grade six, and my shyness became paralyzing, even once I was back with my former classmates in grade eight.

Up until grade five, I was a good student, actually a very good student, straight A’s right through. The only comments about me personally, were that I was very shy. An understatement if there ever was one. In grade five I was even the teacher’s pet. My Scottish teacher, Mr. Morris let me do whatever hairbrained schemes I’d come up with, like organizing a beauty pageant in class. Yeah, dumb ideas like that.

In grade six, my teacher, Mr. Willinsky, was a hippie, and he was my teacher for two years, since I’d be in this split class until I finally rejoined my class again for grade eight when the upper half of my class went on to highschool. He also followed the thinking of the time, and put all our desks in a circle rather than in rows, and it ratcheted my stress level through the roof to have everyone looking at me every time I answered a question.e ev

 If there was one good thing about that time, it’s that I became an avid reader, getting lost in the world of books such as Harriet the Spy, Island of the Blue Dolphins and Nancy Drew mysteries. I also turned inward and began writing. I was a dreamer, and to many I would seem to be clueless, but I was processing all that happened around me, and imagining better realities. My writing consisted of journals and stories, the most significant was one about a fictional best friend of mine who dies of cancer. I don’t think I even have it anymore, but my hippie teacher read it an encouraged me in my writing. I guess he wasn’t so bad after all, even though he was a hippie.

My shyness was at a crisis point, paralyzing my actions. At the same time, I became more solid in my faith and that made me even more pensive, looking at the world through a new lens. I had my first crush in grade five, and after that, it was one ‘love affair’ after another, all in my mind, of course. I was too scared to actually talk to any boys.

I didn’t struggle with acne or anything like that, but I had body image issues, like most girls. I kept my hair short and was slow to develop, so I would sometimes be referred to as a boy. It didn’t help that my real first name was unpronounceable and would always need to be repeated. See my blogpost, What's in a Name? http://piafinn.blogspot.ca/2008/09/whats-in-name.html  It was so bad that in grade six one boy gave me and my friend nicknames. She was chubby and I was flat-chested, so he called us Fatso and Flatso. Horrible, wasn’t he?

Overall, not a great time in my life. My mother’s alcoholism became worse and since she was my only parent, I tended to want to be anywhere but home. I especially loved being in Christian homes. I was determined that was the type of family I wanted to have and would hold out until God brought a Christian man into my life. At the same time, my mother became more hostile to my new faith and at first, forbade me from seeing my Christian friends. My sister’s intercession, convincing her it was better I was there than in trouble somewhere, softened her stance, and my faith grew.

Some people I knew, two teens, had committed suicide by overdose. In spite of all my issues, that was never something that crossed my mind, thank God.

A book that was helpful to me at that time was Hinds’ Feet on High Places, by Hanna Hurnard. The main character in that allegory was Much-Afraid, and I could relate to her so well. It encouraged me that I could grow and overcome on this journey with The Shepherd, and one day have a new name.

Books became my friends, and I began reading fiction. I especially liked Biblical, historical fiction and recall a book called Twice Freed, about Onesimus. I also learned so much just from my Bible reading, although it would have helped to have someone to explain things to me or to even have a commentary or study Bible. I wasn’t attending church so I had no one to explain the big picture to me. That’s probably why I am particularly fascinated with writing the Scarlet Thread; Discovering Christ in all of Scripture. It is so amazing to see Christ in the O.T. narratives and symbols. It connects the testaments and helps me to see the Bible as one book instead of two, or sixty-six.

Our circumstances and environments shape who we are, and those critical years shaped my faith, my love for reading and writing, and even my introverted personality. I guess I can’t complain too much, since I survived, but I wouldn’t wish those years back. Overall, that particular small town holds more painful memories than happy ones, and it was not surprising that when I moved to Toronto at age twenty, I changed my name. I had mostly outgrown my shyness and I was stronger in my faith. It was a fresh start for me. Like Much-Afraid, I finally had a new name.

Surgery

February Journaling

1.     Yay! I decided on a topic for my message; it’s based on the Assyrian invasion of Judah during Hezekiah’s reign. It’s about the fact that God hears the taunts and torments of our enemies.

2.     Doing research and writing my message for next week. Other than laundry and changing beds, it’s a pajama day. Thankful we cleaned the house on Thursday.

3.     Really! These hot flashes are ridiculous! And this while I still have my ovaries. I foresee hormonal issues ahead, as does my husband.

4.     I got tonight off because I have my pre-admit appointment at the hospital tomorrow.

5.     Ready for my message. I learn so much doing the preparation for the Women of Faith.

6.     Work was good. 

7.     Woke up to the sound of the vacuum and the smell of clean floors. Eldest daughter was visiting and she knew guests were arriving soon after I woke up. She’s our Felix, the other is our Oscar.

8.    Great meeting this morning, fifteen women, plus myself. Good discussion. Then watched Biathlon on the Sochi Olympics. I love biathlon. It’s my culture, started during the winter war against the Russians. Dinner party at a friend’s place. The menu was apps, then carrot-ginger soup, warm salad with walnuts, goat cheese and tomatoes, then lemon-shallot chicken in phyllo pastry with scalloped potatoes. Dessert was molten lava cake and ice cream.

9.    Church this morning. Long nap. Headache. Downton Abbey tonight.

10.  Three more night shifts then off for six days before my surgery on Wednesday. My husband is taking a week off.

11. Crazy night. I’m earning my money, and I feel I’ve come back to almost my usual strength and stamina.

12.  Final night, then I’m off for nine weeks.

13.  Breakfast out with my youngest daughter. We also decided my husband and I would go out tonight instead of tomorrow, for our Valentine’s Day date. We went to The Keg for steak and lobster. Delish! He also got me Turtles, strawberries, roses and a card. Yes, I’m a creature of habit, but I know what I like, and I like that he knows what I like. I can’t say what I got him in a public venue.

14.  Morning volunteering at Wings. Errands in the afternoon. I need to get ready for surgery and being cooped up for about a month. I want to buy more yarn, because you can never have too much yarn.

15. I saw my family doctor today to get forms filled out for my absence from work. She told me I’m going to get quite a sudden shock to my system. Got my eyebrows done.

16. Church today, then a Providential dinner, followed by pedicures with my daughter. Nine loads of laundry. How do we generate so much laundry?

17. This is Family Day in Ontario. My husband is off work, too. I ran a few errands but most stores are closed. Starting to pack for the hospital.

18.  Volunteering at Wings today, then a haircut and grocery shopping, so my family will get by for a while. My husband promises to cook; I hope it won’t be take-out only. I’m a little nervous about the surgery; it’s so different being on this side of the knife. I know too much of what can go wrong.

19.  Surgery day. I’m supposed to be in for two nights. I’ll report back when I can.

20. Home today after one night. Hospitals are not conducive to sleep. The surgery went better than I expected. I had severe pain in the recovery room but I’ve been relatively pain-free.

21.  My husband is taking a week off to be my nurse and man-maid. He thinks I’m liking it too much.

22.  I watched the country of my homeland defeat the U.S. in men’s hockey for Olympic bronze. My daughter tweeted a Finnish insult: Nice try U.S.A. Come back when you’re tough enough to sit on the top bench of the sauna.

23.  Was surrounded by my whole family today. Nice, but kind of exhausting. I also can’t believe Downton Abbey season four is over already.

24.  Semi-productive day, posted my Women of Faith message on the Scarlet thread blog, sent thank you messages and ordered some books. Cut my day in half by a three and a half hour nap.

25.  Shuffled for two hours in the mall, holding onto my husband. The exercise helped. He’s taken the week off work.

26.  Went to buy more yarn to finish some projects.

27. Long nap today. My hot flashes continue, but less severe with the estrogen replacement. Went to see Pompeii. If I wanted something historical, I should've watched a documentary. This was about gladiators.

28.  Not terribly productive days. I shower, rest, empty the dishwasher, rest, do a load of laundry (no lifting) and take a long nap. Then eat dinner and crochet on the couch while a watch t.v. What a waste. I know it’s only a week since surgery, but I was hoping to get more done on my novel. Maybe next month.

New Year

January 2014

1.   A good start to the New Year. My husband and I had an early morning hot tub, with a glass of champagne and orange juice, then I made brunch. Now we’re watching a soccer game and then I’ll take down the Christmas decorations.

2.  Pajama day. I love pajama days. Also doing some writing; I took a scene from my book which I had researched, and changed it from fiction to non-fiction to have a Scarlet Thread lesson ready for my next Women of Faith meeting. This one is on David’s census and how Christ is like David in the way He intercedes for His people and how His sacrifice is accepted.

3.   Neurologist appointment for an update. I find it a little frustrating that she thinks all my unexplained symptoms aren’t caused by Lyrica. I beg to differ. Until I started it, I didn’t have ten of these symptoms, and they’ve been unexplained by every test known to man.

4.   We have an old Nordic snow removal system, but boy, is her back sore!

5.   My husband preached at our church this morning. He taught from 1 Corinthians 13, which is usually read at weddings but not usually preached on. It was good to hear it in context. You can check it out on our church’s new website at faith-baptist.ca Sunday dinner was an impromptu lunch at The Mandarin. Then tonight, Downton Abbey: Season Four!

6.   Doctor’s appointment; received the official pronouncement that I can return to work with no restrictions. Happy to have the week off, with carried over vacation days!

7.   I spent the day at Wings Maternity Home. It’s just a few blocks away from me. It seems like a ministry I could get behind. I always wanted to be involved in a practical pro-life ministry.

8.   Last night I booked the venue for my 50^th birthday party. I am planning it myself because I’m a control freak and want it just so.

9.   We kicked our Christmas tree to the curb.

10. I had a few good writing days, about 2,000 words. The main point of the scene I was wrestling with was how much did a believer at the time of King David understand about law vs. grace or revelation about the coming Messiah. I don’t want to put understanding and clarity into their thoughts and words if it wasn’t realistic, but did they have any hints? I know three thousand years separate us, and as much as we are different, we are the same. Also had my hair highlighted, to cover my greys, and we went to a Film Festival our daughter helped organize at U of T to mark the 100^th anniversary of WW1. We saw Paths of Glory, starring Kirk Douglas.

11.  Women of Faith meeting. I spoke about a Scarlet Thread: Jesus as the Intercessor in David’s census.

12. Last day off. Back to work tomorrow, but so happy to be going back to night shift.

13. It’s coming back to me. I was a little achy, but hey, I have medications for that.

14.  Work was good. So happy to be off tomorrow for urology night. Have I mentioned I hate urology night?

15. Wiped out from work. Watching Jeopardy, my new addiction. My memory isn’t great. I can think of the correct responses, but not that quickly.

16. I ran a few errands today, and dropped off some of Kody’s unopened dog food at the place I will be volunteering. I need to get a police check done, which is standard operating procedure for volunteering.

17. Work was busy but okay. I am happy to have found out the date of my surgery; Feb. 19^th! So I have another month to prepare to be cooped up for two months recovering.

18. Stuff around the house, and friends who had to cancel last week are coming over for a hot tub tonight.

19. Church. Meeting about the 50^th anniversary of Faith celebrations. Changing directions with the book. Not sure how I feel about that. May not be enough time.

20. Dental appointment, and forms to police department. This week I work four twelves. Tired just thinking about it.

21.   Good night at work. I’m feeling more competent.

22.  Another cold snap. They call it a polar vortex. When I was a kid, they just called it winter in Canada.

23.  One of the other regular night nurses is also a believer. It’s nice to be able to share things with her.

24. After four nights, the next evening is pretty much wasted. Oh well, I have my books and my crocheting. Books and yarn make me happy.

25. I would have liked to hibernate today, but I had to get my pre-op bloodwork and paperwork completed and dropped off. Then laundry and cooking. I also made a tomato soup for tomorrow. I think I’ll make grilled cheese with it.

26.   Woke up with a sinus cold. Stayed home from church. Can’t be sick for work since I only have three weeks to go before surgery.

27.  Shovelled snow this morning. Good enough job, but my perfectionist ways make me disappointed in myself if I can’t scrape it down to the pavement, but the biting wind sent me inside.

28. What a night! Our secretary is off this week and the surgical charts were not prepared. You often don’t realize how good a job someone does until they’re not there to do it.

29. Another crazy night. Thankfully my last this week. Sent off another article to be published for Barnabas magazine. This one is a little longer and more of a devotional piece.

30. Friends coming from out of town for a night. Woke up to do five loads of laundry and clean my house. Refreshments and hot tub.

31. Visited with our Sarnia friends today, then napped. My husband, whom I love when he cleans my floors, like yesterday, earned extra points for giving me a lovely massage. Now time to get to work on my message for next week’s Women of Faith meeting. Still no idea on a topic.

December Journalling

1.     I don’t seem to tolerate medications well. The new drug they were trying to switch me to, because of the side effects of the last one, is much worse. I started to have involuntary muscle clenching of my jaw. It started after three doses and by midnight it was closing my jaw like a drawbridge, up for one minute, down for one minute, for an hour, then it came less frequently, but lasted longer, up to five minutes, and then seven minutes at the longest. My mouth wouldn’t open and my teeth would grind. At first, since I didn’t know the cause, I considered calling an ambulance. It was very distressing and I was crying and feeling panicky. Thankfully, my daughter was awake and she looked up the side effects of the drug and when we saw that this could happen, she helped me breathe through it. Needless to say, I never want to see that medication again.

2.    I was hoping to do twelve hour shifts this week, but it looks like I’m doing three eight hour shifts of paperwork. The meeting with occ health is delayed till Wednesday.

3.    I’m kind of nervous about going back to patient care.

4.    On my way to the occ health meeting today, the GO train stopped at Eglinton because of debris on the tracks. When the doors opened, I saw one last cab. My doors opened right at the stairs and I ran as fast as I could hobble and had him drive me to the subway. When I got there, another delay on that train had me arrive ten minutes late for my meeting. I called once and left a message, but when I called back to update, my phone was dead. After all that, I was told I could work full time, but it had to be three weeks of days to prove myself, then I could go back to nights. I would have to work 11 to 11 in the day; worst shift ever! But I smiled and agreed to do it.

5.   Oh. My. Goodness. This is a horrible shift. It doesn’t help that it came at the end of three short shifts, or that it’s my first week. Also, I was buddied with another nurse so it was hard since I didn’t have any clear idea of what was expected of me. Next week I’ll take my own assignment.

6.   So happy to see the weekend! Heading to London tomorrow, to our Finnish family Christmas. Lots of food, of course.

7.   Always nice to come home again.

8.   Week two of full time hours, modified duties. Not so bad. I may get through this.

9.   Trying to begin my Christmas decorating, but it’s hard to do with these hours. Also, I can’t make dinner for my family, so they’re managing without me.

10. Today was the union Christmas party.

11.   Happy to see the end of my work week. Today was difficult, especially the last five hours, then a delay on the subway made me take an alternate route. But no matter how late I get home, I watch the recorded episode of Jeopardy. You know you’re old and set in your ways when…

12.   I don’t usually talk about these things, but I’m so excited that this is probably my last period. I can’t tell you how happy that makes me. I know there’ll be trade-offs, but for today, I am happy.

13.   Tonight we had my unit’s Christmas party at a Cuban salsa club and restaurant. That included a 45 minute salsa class. I watched but didn’t take part in it. I did dance a bit, but it was a lot for me. Still fun to be out with my co-workers in a different setting. Of course, my usual date was with me.

14.    Today our friend, Leah is getting married. She is forty and has been waiting for this day her whole life. We’ve been waiting for it with her and are so happy God brought Glen into her life.

15.  Guest preacher today. He spoke from the book of Daniel and it reminded me of my husband telling bedtime stories to our daughters when they were young. For the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego he’d make the sounds of all the instruments that signalled the people were to drop.

16.   Third week of full time work; four twelves this time. Still on the crappy 1100-2300h shift. I’m X-ing off the days as I do them.

17.   Christmas is sneaking up on me, and I have no gifts purchased, no tree, and no turkey.

18.    Urology day. I hate urology day. Very stressful shift.

19.     Last day, and the complete opposite of yesterday. Also, we did a gift exchange with my co-workers. The nurse who drew my name said, “Yes, the easiest person!” I got a Chapters gift card. I guess they know me. Yay! I did it! I survived working three weeks of full time hours. Now I am off for 17 days, maybe 24 if my vacation gets approved.

20.     So nice to sleep in. Laundry and Christmas shopping. At the Christian bookstore, I may have bought a few extra books. Then stopped to buy some yarn. Aaah, books and yarn make me happy. Pizza for dinner. Friday is a no-cook day.

21.    My mom cooked both cabbage and turnip the other day. Though she warned us in advance, still surprised the smell lingered so long. I hope it disappears before Christmas day. Cleaning and shopping. Hope we get our tree and turkey today.

22.   An ice storm started last night. Our youngest drove up to Orangeville with friends and now may have to stay there. Our church services were cancelled today. Thousands without power. It’s strange to be home from church. Trying to get things done while we still have power.

23.     I went to the dentist to get fitted for a mouth guard to stop the jaw clenching which makes my headaches even worse. Toronto’s ice storm may mean that many cannot cook their Christmas dinner. Last night my brother-in-law and his wife came over. They’re just a few blocks away and they are without power. They came over to warm up with some tea, and charge their phones. We offered our guest room, but they declined. They may come over to cook on Christmas Eve. We’re at my sister’s house then, so it’s not a problem.

24.    Deep fried turkey at my sister’s house. It’s so good. A 25 pound turkey cooked in 90 minutes.

25.  Hosted today. Tired. We had a gift exchange and I got a big, warm, soft blanket.

26.  Two couples came over for hot tubbing. My husband and another friend rolled in the snow. Who’s the Finn in this family?

27.  Still over 25,000 without power. Isn’t it ironic that we never lost power and I’m more prepared for emergencies than the average person.

28.     Pajama day. Prepped the Jeopardy categories. I like doing this kind of thing.

29.   Nice to be back at church. Full house, but there were no babies so I didn’t have to go into the nursery. I also had to throw out almost everything in the fridge at church since the power was out for four days.

30.   Well, this first year of journaling this way is done. I like it. It’s doable and so I think I’ll continue into next year. Also, I picked up a mouth guard so hopefully my headaches won’t be so bad.

31.  Dinner and games at church tonight. I hope the new year will be better than this past one. I can honestly say I’m not sad to see this year end. My daughter kept a jar of positive events that happened, and re-reading them encouraged her again and reminded her that many good things happened and life was good. I think I’ll try that for this year. Also, just found out that I get next week off as well. That's 24 days off!  Woot! Woot!