Slow Improvement

July Journaling

1. It’s Canada Day. The one day we wave our flags, then put them away for another year. We’re going to my mother-in-law’s for a BBQ. I have to pretend to be fine for six hours.

2.  I went to the dentist today. I’ve read of a link between Fibro and root canals, because they leave the dead root in you which can be an ongoing source of infection. I had mine last August and my Fibro worsened significantly in September. I also have a toothache in that spot and my TMJ pain is worse on that side. Plus I have headaches and neck stiffness. When I mentioned it, he waved me off, and said, “Old wives’ tales.” GRRRR. At least he’s referring me to another dentist in two weeks who may remove it, which would be fine with me. So tired of this stuff. I want my health back.

3.   I went for an X-ray of my TMJ; temperomandibular joint (jaw area near the ear) in preparation for my pain clinic appointments. Yes, I have two different appointments to deal with this. If only someone can help me. I’m in pain every day, even now when it’s not raining. In other news, our daughter returns from England today. I’ll post a picture of her saying goodbye to the castle she studied in. It’s been a great experience for her and she also earned a certificate in International Law.

4.  My mom is moving out of the in-law suite after fifteen years with us. She will move out slowly over the next two months, but she will only be taking her bedroom and bathroom stuff with her, since my sister has everything else they need.

5.   I went to my doctor today, and waited an hour and a half, which is usual. Kind of frustrated with her. She tells me what I shouldn't take for pain, but not what I should do.

6.  I went to a pain clinic today. They focus on non-narcotic solutions. It was helpful in many ways but strange because he gave me a nerve block with 10 needles in my face, head, neck and back. Then my head felt heavy and puffy like after the dentist. He also used a special machine on my head which was interesting.

7.  It’s a toss-up between which one I hate more; the pain of fibromyalgia or the severe exhaustion of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/ME.

8.  Praying for energy to prepare for a dinner party we're hosting Sat. It took weeks to prepare and I don't want to crash/flare the day of. I used to take these things for granted, but now everything takes such effort and the slightest thing can be "overdoing" it. Why are we still doing hosting a dinner party, even with Fibro/CFS? Because I want to have something from my old life. Also, for my husband’s sake, because he’s had almost as many losses as I’ve had. Thankfully, our daughter and my mother are helping me prepare. I also took weeks to prepare what I could I advance.

9. I started on a supplement for energy and it’s really making a difference. After an extremely bad month for fatigue, to have even a little bit of energy is so exciting.

10. I’ve got a lot of help with prepping and it’s coming along.

11.  Our dinner party went well. I made it almost through the whole thing. Around coffee time, I had to excuse myself to lie down for a while. Our Welcome to the Tropics! menu was Starters: Nachos with homemade mango salsa, homemade guacamole and salsa. Appetizer: lime, garlic and cilantro jumbo shrimp and scallops in butter wine sauce. Soup: Spinach and okra soup. Salad: Southwestern chopped salad. Main: Jerked kingfish steaks, Hawaiian pork and pineapple skewers, Jerked chicken wings, rice and beans, vegetable medley. Dessert: homemade ice cream: toasted coconut, mango sorbet and chocolate banana ice cream. Drinks: pina colada punch, red and white wine sangria, beer and wine. That’s it for the year. Too ambitious a menu, probably, but it was nice to see friends.

12. After church today we had Summerlicious, which is just a dinner at another member’s home. You sign up as a guest or a host, and the day of the event, they match you up. Since we were hosts yesterday, we were guests today, and brought a dessert our daughter made. It was nice to get to know some people. But then I had to get home to rest.

13.I went for massage therapy this morning. This time it actually worked well.

14.I went for a CPAP trial last night at the sleep clinic. I’ll probably be getting one. They tried me with the nasal mask. They also put a sling on my chin to keep my mouth closed. I felt a little suffocated, but by morning I felt more rested. Apparently I had more REM sleep. That’s a nice change.

15. Chiropractor and doctor’s appointment today. It’s a busy week for appointments. My doctor is more understanding of my illnesses. I think she realizes I can’t work as I am right now.

16. A day in my life: Average person: Goes to a 30 minute dental consultation and carries on. Me: I went downtown by GO train. On the way there I realized I left my phone at home. Then there was no leg room on the train, and it’s hard for me to keep my legs at a 90 degree position or more. Also, at that time of day, everyone’s perfume is fresh and strong. Then when I got to Union Station I couldn’t remember which King St. subway stop it was at. I chose the wrong one. Then I got disoriented and started walking the wrong way. When I reached my alma mater I looked up and saw the sun. The sun rises in the east. Dang! So I grabbed a taxi and got there on time, albeit $10 poorer and more than tired from the walking. At the office, I was overwhelmed by the noise and light, so I popped in some ear plugs. After I got in to see him, the hygienist was accommodating and turned off the radio in the room and turned down the lights. Once he came in, he offered sunglasses for me. I told them I appreciated their accommodations. Of course, every appointment I go to leads to more tests and appointments, so I left without any help for my toothache yet. After all that overstimulation, I just caught the next train back home.

17. Another appointment at the pain clinic. This time the side effects weren’t so bad, and the pain control is so much better. Also, I’m getting much better sleep this week, which is a blessing in itself. My husband noticed that I was sleeping in a more restful position. I am also sleeping longer and deeper. I’m so excited to sleep! That’s because of a special medication he started me on. It increases my endorphins, which most people get from a good nights’ sleep, which I haven’t gotten for at least a year, or from exercise, which is hard for me to do. It should also help me to lose weight. I’ve gained FORTY pounds in two years! And if the pain gets better controlled, I may be able to decrease one of my medications which causes my weight gain. That would make me happy.

18.Today was a full day. I started by going to church to a Festival they were putting on. I sold one of my blankets and some baked goods, but left after two hours because we had free tickets to a TFC game. We met friends going down there too so they sat with us on the train. It’s was nice to chat with them, but I wasn’t able to straighten my legs so I started to feel them. Then when we got to the stadium, we found out the hard way our seats were up six flights of stairs. If I would have known, I would have found an elevator but instead I rested part way up. Then we were in direct sunlight in 30 degree weather for 90 minutes. At least I was wearing sunscreen, sunglasses and a hat, and I don’t usually wear hats. By the time it was over, I was done. But at least they won. Every other game I’ve attended ended in a tie or a loss. So it was nice in that respect, and to see the finesse of a player like Giovinco. However, they gave up a goal at 90 minutes, which is, sad to say, typical for our team. A week ago, I wouldn’t have even considered a day like today. But the new supplement for energy is working so I can manage more than a shower or appointment or grocery shopping in one day, and the pain treatments are working for the pain from the neck up, at least. So thankful for small steps.

19.Today after church we went to visit our grandson, who we haven’t seen in a few weeks. He’s so sweet. Then we tried to walk in the neighbourhood but it was too hot. My husband’s on vacation for two weeks, but because I’m not well, and not working, we’ll do a cheap staycation.

20. I'm so excited! I'm getting in to the Environmental Health Clinic at Women's College Hospital tomorrow because of a cancellation. The wait is usually 13 months, but I think I'm at the six month mark right now. Finally, a place where they "get" me’.

21. Wow! I just had the most thorough four hour medical appointment/exam. The most validation I've ever had about my illnesses. They even have posters around about MCS and EMH. Then I went for blood work and trekked home.

22. After a great appointment with the Enviro Health clinic and pain relief from the pain clinic I'm so discouraged by news from the insurance company. How can they deny my claim when my work has no place for me with my limitations? I’m so frustrated and sad. Once I get the report from the Enviro clinic, I’ll appeal.

23. While I lay here with my spine throbbing I wonder what this will mean for our future in this house. Jehovah jireh. In other news, I’m so happy with the help I’ve received from the pain clinic, at least for the pain from the neck up.

24.Relaxing day at the beach trying to forget my troubles for a while.

25. Going to the doctor today to get the ball rolling with an appeal. Then to a friend’s house for dinner.

26. It’s our 29^th anniversary. Definitely testing the wedding vows, going through “poorer” and “sickness” again. Going out for dinner with money we set aside months ago.

27. Going to another pain clinic to address the pain below my neck. Again, a pre-appointment for another later appointment.

28. For mammo today to address other concerns I haven’t had time to address. Then a beach day to forget my health woes and enjoy my husband’s time off work.

29. To Stratford to see Hamlet. It was okay, but next time I’ll try to get disabled seating so I can stretch out my legs because I was very uncomfortable.

30. Went to visit friends tonight. Another example of someone who says, “You’ve been able to sit here all evening.” Sigh. I think, but don’t say, “That’s why they call it an invisible illness. I pretend to be well, even though I’m in pain and exhausted all the time.” I make the effort for my husband’s sake. He’s an extravert and enjoys interacting with people, plus he’s on vacation. So I push myself beyond my limits for him.

31.  More needles in my forehead, temple, scalp, neck and back for pain control by nerve block. It’s a little distressing while it’s happening, but it does make a difference, at least for the pain above my head, so I’m thankful. Then we had a couple over for dinner. He was our best man so we’ve known them many decades. Again, I was spent, but I pushed through for my husband’s sake. After almost one appointment per day this month, I can honestly say I'm not sad to see this month end.

Rain=Pain

June Journaling

1.  I tried making ice cream again. So far I’ve made strawberry, coconut and now chocolate banana. This was the best consistency so far, but I liked the taste of the coconut the best.

2.   My mom is having her other knee replaced today. I’m feeling so discouraged today. My vision is bad today, everything is blurry, so I can only read by listening to kindle audio. I feel so useless.

3.  Today is my husband’s 17^th anniversary since his cancer surgery. Eighteen years cancer free! Praise God.

4.   Still waiting on income. Credit cards maxed, account overdrawn. Trying to trust. On the good side, our mortgage and bills are paid and our fridge, freezer and pantry are full.

5.   My mom is coming home from the hospital today. Also went to WINGS to make lunch; oven fried chicken, corn on the cob, spinach and strawberry salad, and black bottom cupcakes.

6.   I don’t know how to un-commit to my commitment to help out at WINGS. It’s too much for me, but then they tell me how much they look forward to Fridays because of it. Sigh. And they want it to continue into July, but I need time off.

7.   I wasn’t able to go to church this evening because of pain. The rainy weather has made it so much worse.

8.   I didn’t sleep a wink last night. Final prep for my message tomorrow. Now praying for strength to deliver.

9.   I slept nine hours last night and didn’t wake up once, which is unusual. My message was well received on the Summary of the Book of John, even though I was in pain and exhausted throughout. Then we went out for lunch. I had to put my feet up on a chair while we ate. I hate to draw attention to myself, but my legs have such throbbing pain when they’re down. Teaching the Bible is the one thing that still makes me feel like my old self, and if I have enough time to prep, like months for this one, then I can do it. I have been set aside from my career, and from most of the things I enjoyed before, but maybe God will let me keep this one thing…

10.  In this time of illness, although I’ve been discouraged, I’ve never asked, Why me? Maybe it’s because as a nurse I’m a realist, and as a Christian, I believe that even this has come from the hand of a loving God.

11.  Still waiting on income. My EI has been approved but I can’t fill out the weekly form on line till I get the access code they’re supposed to mail me. I’m so forgetful. Did they already send it? If they did, I don’t remember where I put it and I’ve checked in all the usual places. Arrgh. I hate Fibro fog.

12.  I should be at the Write Canada conference, where I’ve gone for the past two years, but with no income, I can’t justify it. But it makes me sad to miss it. Instead, I made lunch at WINGS. We made lasagna, Caesar salad, garlic bread, and tiramisu. Four hours to recover. Oh, and my EI came in, but still waiting to hear about my LTD three months later.

13.  I’ve been invited to a co-worker’s baby shower, and I’d love to go, but with no money, I can’t buy a gift, and I don’t want to go without one. Also, if I could be at Write Canada, I would have been there. So I’ll be going to our Women’s Ministry finale instead; a High Tea. We’ll eat cucumber sandwiches and wear fascinators.

14.  In my Bible reading I'm reminded that He owns the cattle on a thousand hills. So maybe our finances are best handed over to God, eh?

15. I never hated rain till I got Fibro. Now when it rains it's like it's raining down pain on me because it intensifies.

16. Our daughter was in Amsterdam last weekend, then a week of field trips; to The Hague for the International Criminal court and a Tribunal on chemical weapons and one on Lebanon, then to Geneva for the UN.

17.Today my husband is 52, and he doesn’t mind at all. He’s happy to see each year, many people are denied the privilege of growing old.

18.  Some days my spine throbs and that sends vibrations throughout my body and then my brain feels like it shakes within my skull. Pretty scary sensation, and it kept me in bed all afternoon, but unable to sleep. So distressing. That’s the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, otherwise known as ME (Myagic Encephalomyelitis), an inflammation of the brain and spinal cord. I hate Fibro, but I hate this even more.

19. A beautiful day. We’ve been trying to walk. It’s hard, but as long as I keep moving I’m okay, till I get home and crash.

20. Babysitting our grandson today. He’s loving his jolly jumper, he’s getting more vocal, loves hearing singing, and is trying to crawl, like a worm.

21. Father’s Day, two baptisms and a bbq at church, then four hours crashed and in pain for trying to appear normal. But I wouldn’t miss it. I loved hearing the testimonies.

22. Finished up even more LTD forms, this time for work.

23.   Went for coffee with a friend, but she has lupus and kidney disease so she understands how hard it is to go out in public and pretend to be well.

24. I went to the grocery store today. One thing and I’m useless the rest of the day.

25. I accompanied my mom to an appointment. So tired.

26.  We went to make lunch at WINGS again. I really can’t do this anymore. The weekly commitment is too much for my health right now. We made chicken fajitas, mango salsa and nachos, Mexican rice and banoffee pie. Our daughter’s family came over. No matter how exhausted I am, our grandson always makes me smile. 

27. Rain=pain.  

28.  Last day of evening services at church till the fall. I’m still adjusting to the idea. I understand the thinking behind it but for most of my life I never wondered what to do on a Sunday evening. Also today is the Shame parade. Not sad that it’s pouring rain, even though my pain is off the charts. The U.S. followed other countries by legalizing gay “marriage”. Of course legalizing polygamy is next. Canada has had this “right” in place for a decade already. There have already been challenges to the law. Called it. And some are challenging the right of churches to refuse to marry gay couples.  It was the one caveat “promised” to those who disagreed with the idea for religious reasons. Of course, we didn’t really believe it and now I think this is going to become one of the watershed issues, separating true churches from false. I foresee churches losing their charitable status if they don’t fall in line. They misunderstand; disagreeing with something doesn’t mean we hate them. We don’t. But neither will we celebrate sin.

29.  Another follow-up with a doctor to discuss my sleep study results. Apparently I stop breathing about 14 times an hour, which is considered Mild Sleep Apnea. (I’m sure it’s even worse since the test 2 months ago), I have decreased REM sleep (the deepest sleep where you actually rest and recharge), and I have severe alpha EEG, which means my brain thinks it’s awake and explains why I have severe exhaustion all day, every day. I am not resting, even if my eyes are closed for 7-8 hours a night. Finally though, documented proof of one of my problems. This is the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/ME.

30.  I received some great feedback/critique on the beginning of my book. I really respect the person who wrote it. I’ve read a book by him. But I know to implement the changes will be a big project. The completion of this book keeps getting pushed back.

31.  I was stymied about how to change my beginning. With my usual “can’t do” attitude, I wasn’t sure it could be fixed. Then last night before I fell asleep I had an epiphany! Funny how those come after you pray about something! Anyway, now to make it happen!

What I Like About Being Sick

Strange title, eh?

I recently read an article written by Toni Bernhard, who has been chronically ill for a long period of time. She even wrote a book with the unique title of How to Be Sick. In the article, she suggested we turn our complaining on its head by listing what we like about being sick. Crazy talk!

So don’t get me wrong. I HATE my chronic illnesses and invisible disabilities. I HATE them every minute of every day. I HATE all the losses I’ve experienced because of them. I MOURN the loss of who I once was, the life I had, the changes to my present and future, the uncertainty, the decreased income, my lost career and so many other things.

But I digress.

That said, is there anything good about all the suffering and pain of the past two years? Anything?

Perhaps these:

I don’t have to wake up to an alarm clock.

People are not depending on me (my children are out of the nest).

I don’t have to commute to work.

I can take the required 2-3 hours to shower and get ready.

I can control my diet.

A person’s life and health are not in my hands (oncology nursing).

I don’t have the stress of my job.

I save on commuting costs.

I can stay indoors in inclement weather.

I’ll never have to shovel the driveway again (because I can’t).

I don’t miss any events/functions because of work (only illness).

I can spend more time with my family.

I can spend more time in in-depth Bible study.

I can crochet.

I can write on good days (I mean, less-bad days).

I can read (whether I retain it or not is another issue).

If I have insomnia/poor sleep I can rest the following day.

My schedule is wide open for appointments.

I can prepare slowly (weeks in advance) for any guests.

I can volunteer as my strength allows.

When I have a Fibro flare or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome crash I can suffer without any guilt about missing work/events.

I can clean my house one room at a time, or not at all.

I can wear comfortable clothes.

I can plan meals and budget.

I can see my grandson more often!

That list surprised me as much as it did you! There are indeed some blessings in the midst of this season of suffering, thank God!

How about you? Can you come up with your own list?

Interview with Suffering

Pia: My guest today is someone with whom I’ve only recently become acquainted. Welcome Suffering.

Suffering: I don’t hear sincerity in your voice, Pia. I know you haven’t been happy since I came into your life.

Pia: I must admit that’s true. You made such a sudden appearance in my life with pain out of nowhere.

Suffering: True, and that was just the beginning of your health troubles.

Pia: Yes, other than all my 100 health issues, (really, 100) the worst being Fibromyalgia syndrome and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, I’ve seen 7 specialists (gynecologist, cardiologist, neurologist, rheumatologist and gastroenterologist, general internal medicine, ENT, pain doctor), 6 other health care providers (family doctor, naturopath, dentist, physiotherapist, chiropractor, and massage therapist), I’ve had 3 visits to ER, numerous blood tests, 3 MRIs, 2 CT scans, abdominal ultrasound, 3 x-rays, bone density tests, nerve conduction tests, EMG, gastroscopy and colonoscopy, urgent angiogram, 2 ECGs, sleep studies and other tests. A few other stressful incidents were the death of our dog and leaving our church after 28 years!

Suffering: When you put it that way, it does sound rather overwhelming.

Pia: Try living it.

Suffering: Well, I was your constant companion throughout these few years. And you do know who sent me, don’t you?

Pia: I do know. In all that’s happened to me, I’ve never been tempted to ask, “Why me?” As a nurse, I’m a realist, and as a Christian I believe that even this has come from the hand of a loving God.

Suffering: That’s very mature of you, Pia. Most people rail against God when I come around.

Pia: He’s blessed me with 49 great years before these two years of suffering. Even if I have to live with this the rest of my life, how can I really complain?

Suffering: I must have caught you on a good day. There are some days when you seem more depressed.

Pia: I’m not depressed; just discouraged. If I was depressed I wouldn’t feel any joy in life. But I do. So much so that on good days, or “less bad days” as I like to call them, I overdo it. But then it causes a crash and I’m useless for a few days.

Suffering: So isn’t that a silver lining, then? Resting and daydreaming with your feet up, doing your favourite things like reading or writing?

Pia: If only that were the case! When I have a Fibro flare I’m in pain, worse than my usual daily pain. Nothing relieves it. And the exhaustion from the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is overwhelming. I always say that’s too tame a name for how it feels. I have to rest for half an hour just from climbing the stairs or taking a shower. And both of my illnesses cause cognitive impairment so I have trouble retaining what I’m reading. My writing is only possible in short bursts. Even my kindle audio, which I used to set to read to me, bothers me because I’ve also developed electromagnetic hypersensitivity. That also limits my time on the computer. So those things I loved, which made me who I am, are limited.

Suffering: You’ve had many losses, haven’t you?

Pia: Yes; my health, my career, my income, my hobbies among others.

Suffering: What about your spiritual life? How’s your faith holding up?

Pia: Although it’s been my worst two years, physically, they’ve been my best spiritually. I really feel God’s presence daily. I’ve been praying more, and reading my Bible daily. And I’ve been attending our Women’s Bible studies. We went through the book of John and we’ll do Genesis in the fall.

Suffering: Did you know that your eyes lit up when you shared that?

Pia: I believe it. At the end of our study on the book of John I presented a 20 page summary of our study. I prepared it slowly over the months of our study. Whenever I teach the Bible I feel like my old self. I can’t teach on the fly anymore, because I can’t recall words or ideas like I used to, but if I can prepare in advance, I feel like I have something to share, and I feel useful.

Suffering: So are you finding some joy in the midst of your suffering?

Pia: Yes, definitely. And my husband is so supportive. He always asks if I’m resting, and never complains about our messy house. He jokes that we’ve tested all our wedding vows; richer, poorer, sickness, health, better or worse, a few times over.

Suffering: What else have you done to learn how to cope?

Pia: That’s the thing. This learning to live with a chronic illness is a new normal. It took a while to accept that it wasn’t going away. I did fight against it at first. But I couldn’t wish it a way. Like diabetes, once you get it, you can’t un-get it. Once I got to that point, I researched my illnesses and found facebook groups to learn more. Then I started my own support group/blog/facebook group called Cope with Hope; for people with Chronic Illnesses and Invisible Disabilities who still believe in the goodness of God.

Suffering: Like you?

Pia: Yes, like me. I did it as much for myself as for others. Although some of my latent leadership skills are coming out (only in small groups), the nine people who’ve come out say they’ve been blessed.

Suffering: What’s next for you?

Pia: Probably more of the same, except I need to scale back on my commitments. I forget sometimes that I’m not my old self, and I get overwhelmed easily, and don’t handle stress well anymore. I used to be a high functioning multitasker. Now I can only manage one or two tasks per day. There’s no cure for any of my illnesses, so I’ll just try to manage them, and spend my time going from appointment to appointment. I’ll probably never be able to nurse again, and that makes me sad, because I loved my job as an Oncology Nurse. I’m just waiting on God to show me what I can do in this season of my life. And I want to learn whatever He wants to teach me.

Suffering: How’s your book coming along? Any chance that could be the direction that God is sending you?

Pia: Possibly. It’s with an editor now, which is good, given my cognitive issues. I hope it will one day be out there. Benaiah’s story needs to be told.

Suffering: So I’m not all bad?

Pia: No, I know God sent you into my life for my good and His glory, and He can make something beautiful emerge from even this. Don’t get me wrong, I hate my illnesses, but I think of the character, Much-Afraid in Hannah Hurnard’s book, Hinds’ Feet on High Places, which I read when I was a teen. Her travelling companions were Sorrow and Suffering. At the end of the journey all three of them received new names. I hope that would happen with me. I don’t want to become bitter. God’s been so good to me. I just noticed, for an interviewer, I've done most of the talking.

Suffering: That's how I like it. I want the people who have become acquainted with me to gain insight into the positive side of me.

Pia: Thank you for visiting today, Suffering.

Suffering: Oh, didn’t you know? I moved into your guest room. I’m here to stay.

 

Grandson's Dedication

May 2015 Journaling

1.    I am having so much pain. My daughter and grandson came to stay overnight. I wish I had the energy to look after him. I don’t trust myself to go up or down stairs with him, because I’m so unsteady.

2.    Pain again. No energy. We went out for dinner at Port, about the nicest restaurant in Durham. It’s on the lake at a marina in Frenchman’s Bay. The occasion was our last hurrah before our income drops; my birthday, mother’s day for me and my mom, and bon voyage for our daughter who is going to England on Tuesday. Rested all day before it, and afterwards. Don’t let the smiling face fool you, I’m in pain.

3.   Went to church, then to Burlington for our grandson’s dedication service. Even got back in time for our evening service. I really wanted to catch it, as this series in 1 Samuel is related to my book, but to say I was wiped out is an understatement. I’ll post a pic of our family.

4.   Last day before our daughter leaves for England. I’m so excited for her to have this opportunity to study international law at a castle.

5.   Our daughter arrived safely in England. Praise God! I’m a nervous flyer at the best of times, but am even more nervous with all the airline incidents that have happened. Also, last night my husband came in for a walk and his ring finger was swelling up rapidly and turning blue. It seems a mosquito bit him when he was walking in the ravine area near our house. He reacts that way to bug bites. We went to the mall last night in the hour before it closed, trying to find a jeweller who could cut the ring off, but either they didn’t have the tool, or the jeweller who knew how to operate it had left already. The swelling subsided a bit and today he went to a local jeweller who ended up being a believer. He said, “you came in here for a reason.” And when he cut the ring off, he was able to not wreck the inscription. The jeweller said, “that was the Lord.” J

6.    Still waiting on my LTD approval. I don’t know what they’re waiting for from the doctors, because they were already given all the most recent documents. So frustrating. I am already going down in income by 50% and this little bit would make it only 35% but still a hardship. This is when we see if we are trusting God to provide.

7.   Another glitch. I received my final pay two weeks ago and was told I’d automatically be mailed my Record of Employment so I could at least collect EI. Now when I call about it they say I’m still listed as active so it hasn’t even been mailed to me. That means I have zero income. I am feeling the holes in my social safety net.

8.   The trips to the chiropractor have been helpful. When I walk, I am more upright, and my limp is hardly noticeable. I still have trouble on stairs, as my balance is precarious.

9.    Famous people who have Fibromyalgia: Morgan Freeman, Paula Abdul, Florence Nightingale. It's an invisible illness, not an imaginary one.

10.  We went to babysit Benny overnight on Friday because my son-in-law was in a wedding. Today for mother’s day we went to my mother-in-law’s house because she is going to be 70 this week. She looks amazing for her age.

11. Feeling stress over finances. I guess it can’t be a true test of our trust in God unless we see our utter dependence on Him. I’ve still waiting on my LTD and my EI is delayed as well, so we are basically at 0 income for me this month. Yeah, zero.

12.  Today is Fibromyalgia Awareness Day. Yay, me! (sarcasm)

13.  Barely managed running around yesterday, from EI office, to doctor’s office, back to EI office, then home to eat, then to our third Cope with Hope meeting. In spite of my exhaustion (and I missed the Tuesday morning Bible study), I’m glad we went. A friend presented on Lyme Disease, and we talked about the other stages of Understanding Chronic Illness, and then I taught a devotional based on one I wrote a few years back, as I wasn’t up to writing anything new. They’re a great bunch of women. I do this as much for myself as for them. Today I went for a massage and a chiropractic appointment. Can’t manage much else for the day.

14.  Also, my doctor started me on BP medication as my BP has been elevated for about half a year. We kept watching it and hoping it would go down on its own, but no. Sigh, one more thing.

15.  My mom is in London visiting her brother and sister-in-law, so I have no car.

16.  Lovely day. Finally spring like temperatures.

17.  There’s no evening service tonight because of the long weekend.

18.   It’s Victoria Day here in Canada. We drove out to visit our grandson. My daughter made a delicious mango salsa and then a teriyaki chicken stir fry. This afternoon we took a walk in the ravine. A baby racoon was in a neighbour’s yard. Its mother must have died. The city won’t come and take it away unless it’s sick or dying.

19.  Bible study this morning, then trying to deal with different groups to make some sense of what’s going to happen next with my LTD. I hate talking on the phone, and I’m so tired. Just tired…

20.   Chiropractor today, she’s been so helpful for many of my symptoms. I almost have hope that I could have some semblance of a pain-free existence.

21.  Trying to drink some lemon water; hot water with lemon juice and a drop of lemon essential oil. It’s supposed to help with inflammation.

22.  Off to a ladies’ retreat for the weekend. I’ll have to have my feet up most of the time, and nap frequently, and I’ve put in for special foods, but in spite of it all, I think I need this, spiritually.

23. The weather is beautiful this weekend, and this camp, Elim Lodge is surrounded on three sides by Pigeon Lake. The topic is the Christ-like 21^st century woman.

24. This was a great weekend. I was able to rest on Saturday. Friday was the hardest day for me. I enjoyed this time sharing a room with my mom. On Friday she told some of the women she wasn’t a believer. She feels such guilt about her life. I pray she can move from conviction to forgiveness. Christianity isn’t about guilt; it’s about forgiveness.

25.  Exhausted, but I pushed myself to go to the one hour Walk and Talk with the women at church because we had a debrief meeting about the retreat. They’re an organized bunch and always want to improve these things.

26. I went to Bible study, we’re almost done the book of John. Then I went for bloodwork since it’s been two weeks since I started on blood pressure medicine. The few times I’ve checked it, it’s been very good. I guess I needed the medicine. Then my husband and I walked for an hour in the neighbourhood.

27.  Pushed myself to do laundry and vacuum two rooms. Worn out. Resting on the couch reading. I’ll be happy if dinner gets made.

28.   Lovely weather. Winter was too long. No complaints about heat, except that I can’t tolerate it as well as I used to. Tonight we have tickets to the WINGS gala. It’s a masquerade. I’m wearing the long gown I wore to my daughter’s wedding, and a mask from the party store. I need to rest all day to be able to last through the evening.

29.  The Gala was lovely last night. So excited to be a part of that great pro-life ministry.

30. To add to our financial tension, our CRV needed the air conditioner fixed, and the next day, the brakes. Nothing that can be put off, and of course, it had to go on our credit card. Not the best choice, but hey, still no income.

31.  Today I could only lay down on the couch, barely even get up for pain pills. My brain felt like it was shaking. I’m wondering what God’s purpose is for setting me aside. I feel so useless.