First Draft is Done!

November Journaling

1.     We attended a workshop at church this morning on George Whitefield and the Great Awakening. We could only stay for the morning, because our son-in-law’s brother was getting married today.

2.     Sore from too much Egyptian dancing last night. It was a beautiful wedding. Our pregnant daughter was one of the bridesmaids and our son-in-law was the best man for his brother. They said their own vows which were beautiful. The reception was a lot of fun. At one point the groomsmen took off their shirts and revealed superhero t-shirts.

3.     So it’s official; I have fibromyalgia syndrome (FMS). Starting to research it and what I can expect.

4.     I have circulation problems, but only on one side of my body. The right side of my body is colder than the left. Is that not strange?

5.     Saw a recipe for a five minute fudge made in the microwave with only four ingredients. Must try it. I need/don’t need it in my life, you know what I mean?

6.     Our social calendar is starting to fill up. I hope I can keep up, since all my energy goes into my work week, I tend to get flares of my FMS on weekends, or I’m struggling to do the regular things I used to be able to do so easily a year or two ago, like shop for groceries, clean or do laundry. Even cooking is a chore. I hate fibromyalgia, but I’ve found a few helpful books and websites. One of the books is by a Scarborough doctor. I’d love to get a referral to her. My Rheumatologist is rather detached or aloof, and I’d rather have one who is so into this illness and is doing research into it.

7.     See my earlier post on What does Fibromyalgia feel like? to get a sense of what my life is like now.

8.     I started a small savings fund for our new grandbaby. Just $10 a week, so that each November I can buy a $500 savings bond for them, so by the time they’re 20 they’ll have an additional $10,000 plus in savings. It’s not a lot, and we’ll still be buying them all kinds of things anyway, but at least with a bit of effort on our part, there’s something more practical than another toy or clothes.

9.   I’m really enjoying Pastor Randy’s preaching. He sets a full table, spiritually speaking.

10.   My husband has a temporary promotion starting in the new year, for nine months. He’ll be the manager of Water Supply at the main pumping station. If there’s a crisis, he’ll be the one who’ll talk to the media.

11.  Work is busy but okay.

12. I was on my way to work tonight, had even paid my train fare, but realized I couldn’t work because I must have taken one of my sleeping pills by mistake. I was so impaired. I won’t make that mistake again.

13. I went back to work tonight.

14.  Today I only slept two hours after my night shift because I had my counselling appointment. I’m finding it to be so helpful as we look at the whole idea of forgiveness. It’s about the offended more than the offender. My anger doesn’t have to control me and make me bitter. My husband is going on a men’s retreat with the men from church. It’s at a hotel in Niagara Falls. Nice. Good for him to go and get to know the men better.

15.  I went to a Women’s meeting at our new church. I was happy to see Emily there as well. We women are having a harder time adjusting than the men; and Emily even more than me. I guess it’s because her children are still at Faith. This afternoon I went grocery shopping, did laundry, changed linens, planted tulip bulbs, and napped a bit. My husband has called three times so far, so I guess I’m not the only needy one.

16.  Church today; strange since it was mostly women and children with two dozen men gone to the retreat. My alarm didn’t ring, and I had only an hour to get ready. I usually need two hours these days, since I move so much slower. I was glad to go there though. The missionary talked about how missions has changed from back in the day to now. Then since I was alone, I made myself a nice supper of salmon and stuffed mushroom caps. Also had a delicious vanilla cupcake for dessert. Perhaps a nap before Gary gets home.

17.  Shocker. Our nurse manager was fired, for some unknown reason, as well as a few others. Some nurses on other units were also fired. It seems management suddenly has a taste for letting people go. Strange times, as people can only speculate so there’s not really much to talk about.

18.   I woke up at 3 a.m. with a nightmare about Kody. He’s been gone for a year and a half now but I’m still grieving.  In my dream I opened the side door of a van. It was empty inside except for him. His fur was matted and he was struggling to breathe, as if he’d been trapped in a hot vehicle and he was dehydrated and hot. I picked him up, even though in reality, I wouldn’t have been able to do that. Suddenly the other side of the van and the back of it were open and there was a coyote or wolf there threatening to attack. In my mind I knew I couldn’t move fast enough with him to avoid the attack, so I woke up. That happens often if some event in my dream is too overwhelming. My heart was racing and for the longest time, I just thought about that dream and how helpless I felt. He was sick and in danger and I couldn’t save him or protect him. That’s how I felt about having to put him down. In my mind I know we had to do it, but I felt like I failed to save him and also like I betrayed him when we brought him to the vet that day.

19. Considering whether to enter any writing contests. One has a deadline of the end of this month.

20. I slept well today. Then I went to counselling. It’s surprising to me how quickly I’ve moved from anger and hurt to feeling it’s possible to forgive, while realizing it didn’t make the offence any less or that it didn’t matter, because it did. I am choosing not to let it come along with me for my future.

21.  Flare up of FMS today. Also ran out of meds. Bad timing. In other news, I can finally announce that the first draft of my novel is finally done! I wrote, THE END!  

22.  I had a Pastoral visit from Pastor Randy today. It was good to talk to him and let him know how this change of churches has impacted me and also on a positive note, to talk about finding my place in this new church. I am starting to get excited about what God has planned for us here.

23.  We went to church with our daughter and son-in-law. Their church is huge, with thousands of people, and this was a baptism service, so it was very encouraging to hear the testimonies of about thirty people and witness their baptisms. Then we went with them to lunch and IKEA to buy the grandbaby’s furniture and transport it to their place, since we have a bigger vehicle. She’s seven months pregnant now. It’s getting very real now.

24.  Psyching up for four nights.

25. I’m sleeping so much better with my new meds. Sleep deprivation was such a big part of this illness, creating its own set of problems and exacerbating others.

26. I finally saw my husband after two days where he had to work late and I had already left for work. That doesn’t happen too often, thankfully. Also my mom is still in London, Ontario so it’s very quiet here alone. Times like this I really miss my dog.

27.  Last night. I hope we get the third nurse we need. One good thing about our new nurse manager is she likes to keep our staffing quota at three on nights, whereas we had been struggling with the workload with only two for so long.

28.  Counselling this afternoon after a truncated sleep, then we went to one of our tri-annual dinner parties. We had a seafood feast. It was delicious, but my back started to hurt, so I took some medication and lied down on the couch, and to my embarrassment I fell asleep.

29.   I woke up at 3 a.m. with a nightmare. It’s now five a.m. and I decided to stay up. We’re getting up at 7 anyway to head to the Niagara region for a friend’s 50^th birthday luncheon. It’s a women-only party, but my “driver” is coming and any husbands can play together in Daddy Daycare. I mean, the men will find something to occupy their time together.

30.  Good to be back at our church after missing last week. Today is the 75^th anniversary of the start of the Winter War, when the Russians dropped bombs on Helsinki. Also, I did a last minute entry on a writing contest. Another one coming up in a week.