Interview with my Younger Self

Me Now (MN): You know how people say, “If I could go back in time with the wisdom and insight I have now, I’d tell my younger self a thing or two?” Well, here’s my chance. Hello, Pia.

Younger Me (YM): Oh, so you use that name exclusively now?

MN: Yeah, once I moved to Toronto it was just easier to make a fresh start with a name that’s easier to pronounce. It left any bad memories associated with that name behind. Except it took me forty years to make it official. (See post What's in a Name? under Memoirs)

YM: We move to Toronto?

MN: Oh, yeah, I guess I’ve got to be more careful with what I let slip.

YM: I don’t really get why I’m here. Do I really want to know what’s ahead of me? What if I can’t handle it?

MN: Since I know you better than anyone, I know you need to be told that life won’t always be as good as it is now, and you need to be teachable. As for the future, it’s true it’s best not to know. But you WILL be able to handle what comes, by the grace of God.

YM: That’s good to know that I’ll still have my faith in the future. I sometimes worry I’ll lose my salvation.

MN: I can encourage you in that. You’ll soon learn about the doctrines of grace and you’ll see that you can’t lose your salvation because God chose you before the foundation of the world. It will give you assurance. This assurance in turn puts all other worries in their place.

YM: But what about…?

MN: Trust me. You’ll learn it over a period of a few years and you’ll never doubt it again. Remember, I know your future.

YM: Okay, I’ll take your word for it. But what CAN you tell me about my future? Do I get married, have kids, and live happily ever after?

MN: Yes, yes, and for the most part.

YM: What does that mean?

MN: Life happens. But I can promise you this; God is always faithful.

YM: I guess that’s all I need to know. Although I am curious. What’s my future husband like? Do I already know him?

MN: I guess I can tell you a little now. No, you haven’t met him yet. He’s still out there. Be patient.

YM: That’s surprising to me. I always assumed I’d marry one of the Finnish guys I know now. Is my future husband Finnish?

MN: No, but you’ll be pleasantly surprised. Don’t worry, you choose well.

YM: Please tell me he’s a believer at least?

MN: Yes, he is. Now let’s get back to the reason I wanted to talk to you.

YM: Okay. I guess you’ve told me enough. Most people don’t get that much information. Lay it on me, what’s the serious issue?

MN: It’s about your health.

YM: I don’t like the sound of that. Do I get gravely ill?

MN: No, but in a sense, it’s worse. You will have several chronic illnesses.

YM: Several? Isn’t one enough?

MN: You’d think so. But remember what I said earlier? Life happens, but God is always faithful.

YM: So you’re implying this will be a test of my faith?

MN: Yes, because it’s always easier to deal with short term crises than the discouragement that comes with ongoing suffering.

YM: Suffering? That makes it hard to guess which illnesses you could be talking about. Any hints?

MN: No, because part of the process is dealing with the anxiety of not knowing.

YM: So that’s all you’re giving me? No diagnoses or dates to spare me some anxiety?

MN: No, sorry. But you’ll have many happy years before it hits. Just appreciate them while you have them, try to take care of your health, and remember what I said earlier, Life happens, but God is always faithful. And one quote that will help you then is by Stuart Briscoe, “God allows things to happen to me, so that He can do things in me, so that He can do things through me.”

YM: That’s encouraging and scary at the same time. But if you have those things now, how is it you don’t look sick or disabled?

MN: Not every illness and disability is visible.

YM: Wouldn’t it be easier if it were?

MN: You’re more right than you know. But that’s another part of your journey that you’ll have to navigate; the frustration of suffering while having to feel you have to prove you are suffering.

YM: I don’t really want to deal with that yet. Let me try to boil down what you’ve told me. You said I’d suffer with some invisible chronic illnesses after many happy years with a Christian husband and children. Sounds like a mix of happy and sad.

MN: Yes, it is. Take a deep breath and go into the future, knowing God is already there, and He is faithful to the end.

YM: I guess I don’t have a choice, but I do feel encouraged by much of what you told me, especially about God’s faithfulness in the midst of trials.

MN: Count on it. It’s not your hold on Him that’s the basis of your assurance, it’s His hold on you; much like a child crossing the street with her father. He’ll hold you.

YM: Thanks. It’s also interesting to see what I look like 30 years in the future.

MN: Disappointed?

YM: You, I mean, I still look pretty young considering what are we, 50?

MN: 54.

YM: Yeah, not bad. But the weight gain is a surprise. No offence.

MN: None taken. Is it an excuse to say it’s part of the illness and treatment?

YM: I guess it is what it is. Does that mean that for most of my life I’ll have normal weight?

MN: Yes, fear not. I never realized how shallow I was.

YM: It seems this interview has enlightened both of us.

MN: See you in the future. And remember, rest in the faithfulness of God.

(See my other interviews in the Interviews folder).

Interview with Suffering

Pia: My guest today is someone with whom I’ve only recently become acquainted. Welcome Suffering.

Suffering: I don’t hear sincerity in your voice, Pia. I know you haven’t been happy since I came into your life.

Pia: I must admit that’s true. You made such a sudden appearance in my life with pain out of nowhere.

Suffering: True, and that was just the beginning of your health troubles.

Pia: Yes, other than all my 100 health issues, (really, 100) the worst being Fibromyalgia syndrome and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, I’ve seen 7 specialists (gynecologist, cardiologist, neurologist, rheumatologist and gastroenterologist, general internal medicine, ENT, pain doctor), 6 other health care providers (family doctor, naturopath, dentist, physiotherapist, chiropractor, and massage therapist), I’ve had 3 visits to ER, numerous blood tests, 3 MRIs, 2 CT scans, abdominal ultrasound, 3 x-rays, bone density tests, nerve conduction tests, EMG, gastroscopy and colonoscopy, urgent angiogram, 2 ECGs, sleep studies and other tests. A few other stressful incidents were the death of our dog and leaving our church after 28 years!

Suffering: When you put it that way, it does sound rather overwhelming.

Pia: Try living it.

Suffering: Well, I was your constant companion throughout these few years. And you do know who sent me, don’t you?

Pia: I do know. In all that’s happened to me, I’ve never been tempted to ask, “Why me?” As a nurse, I’m a realist, and as a Christian I believe that even this has come from the hand of a loving God.

Suffering: That’s very mature of you, Pia. Most people rail against God when I come around.

Pia: He’s blessed me with 49 great years before these two years of suffering. Even if I have to live with this the rest of my life, how can I really complain?

Suffering: I must have caught you on a good day. There are some days when you seem more depressed.

Pia: I’m not depressed; just discouraged. If I was depressed I wouldn’t feel any joy in life. But I do. So much so that on good days, or “less bad days” as I like to call them, I overdo it. But then it causes a crash and I’m useless for a few days.

Suffering: So isn’t that a silver lining, then? Resting and daydreaming with your feet up, doing your favourite things like reading or writing?

Pia: If only that were the case! When I have a Fibro flare I’m in pain, worse than my usual daily pain. Nothing relieves it. And the exhaustion from the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is overwhelming. I always say that’s too tame a name for how it feels. I have to rest for half an hour just from climbing the stairs or taking a shower. And both of my illnesses cause cognitive impairment so I have trouble retaining what I’m reading. My writing is only possible in short bursts. Even my kindle audio, which I used to set to read to me, bothers me because I’ve also developed electromagnetic hypersensitivity. That also limits my time on the computer. So those things I loved, which made me who I am, are limited.

Suffering: You’ve had many losses, haven’t you?

Pia: Yes; my health, my career, my income, my hobbies among others.

Suffering: What about your spiritual life? How’s your faith holding up?

Pia: Although it’s been my worst two years, physically, they’ve been my best spiritually. I really feel God’s presence daily. I’ve been praying more, and reading my Bible daily. And I’ve been attending our Women’s Bible studies. We went through the book of John and we’ll do Genesis in the fall.

Suffering: Did you know that your eyes lit up when you shared that?

Pia: I believe it. At the end of our study on the book of John I presented a 20 page summary of our study. I prepared it slowly over the months of our study. Whenever I teach the Bible I feel like my old self. I can’t teach on the fly anymore, because I can’t recall words or ideas like I used to, but if I can prepare in advance, I feel like I have something to share, and I feel useful.

Suffering: So are you finding some joy in the midst of your suffering?

Pia: Yes, definitely. And my husband is so supportive. He always asks if I’m resting, and never complains about our messy house. He jokes that we’ve tested all our wedding vows; richer, poorer, sickness, health, better or worse, a few times over.

Suffering: What else have you done to learn how to cope?

Pia: That’s the thing. This learning to live with a chronic illness is a new normal. It took a while to accept that it wasn’t going away. I did fight against it at first. But I couldn’t wish it a way. Like diabetes, once you get it, you can’t un-get it. Once I got to that point, I researched my illnesses and found facebook groups to learn more. Then I started my own support group/blog/facebook group called Cope with Hope; for people with Chronic Illnesses and Invisible Disabilities who still believe in the goodness of God.

Suffering: Like you?

Pia: Yes, like me. I did it as much for myself as for others. Although some of my latent leadership skills are coming out (only in small groups), the nine people who’ve come out say they’ve been blessed.

Suffering: What’s next for you?

Pia: Probably more of the same, except I need to scale back on my commitments. I forget sometimes that I’m not my old self, and I get overwhelmed easily, and don’t handle stress well anymore. I used to be a high functioning multitasker. Now I can only manage one or two tasks per day. There’s no cure for any of my illnesses, so I’ll just try to manage them, and spend my time going from appointment to appointment. I’ll probably never be able to nurse again, and that makes me sad, because I loved my job as an Oncology Nurse. I’m just waiting on God to show me what I can do in this season of my life. And I want to learn whatever He wants to teach me.

Suffering: How’s your book coming along? Any chance that could be the direction that God is sending you?

Pia: Possibly. It’s with an editor now, which is good, given my cognitive issues. I hope it will one day be out there. Benaiah’s story needs to be told.

Suffering: So I’m not all bad?

Pia: No, I know God sent you into my life for my good and His glory, and He can make something beautiful emerge from even this. Don’t get me wrong, I hate my illnesses, but I think of the character, Much-Afraid in Hannah Hurnard’s book, Hinds’ Feet on High Places, which I read when I was a teen. Her travelling companions were Sorrow and Suffering. At the end of the journey all three of them received new names. I hope that would happen with me. I don’t want to become bitter. God’s been so good to me. I just noticed, for an interviewer, I've done most of the talking.

Suffering: That's how I like it. I want the people who have become acquainted with me to gain insight into the positive side of me.

Pia: Thank you for visiting today, Suffering.

Suffering: Oh, didn’t you know? I moved into your guest room. I’m here to stay.

 

Interview with Inspiration

By Pia Thompson

“And I have filled him with the Spirit of God in wisdom, in understanding, in knowledge, and in all manner of workmanship, to design artistic works, to work in gold, in silver, in bronze, in cutting jewels for setting, in carving wood, and to work all manner of workmanship.” Exodus 31:3-5

“He has filled them with skill to do all manner of work of the engraver and the designer and the tapestry maker, in blue, purple and scarlet thread, and fine linen, and of the weaver—those who do every work and those who design artistic works.” Exodus 35:35

Pia: Today I’ve invited Inspiration to my blog. Welcome.

Inspiration: Yeah, thanks.

Pia: Many people have some acquaintance with you, especially artsy types. Maybe you can tell us a bit about yourself. What do you do for a living?

Inspiration: A living? Yeah, right. Well, mostly I work behind the scenes. You know, I fancy myself a Muse, of sorts. I have ideas. All these ideas. Floating. And sometimes, someone will ‘catch’ one, you know?

Pia: So, you don’t do anything concrete? Nine to five?

Inspiration: No, no. I don’t keep banker’s hours. I can work anywhere, anytime. Sometimes I work best when most people are sleeping. The problem is most people won’t wake up and write my ideas down. They assume they’ll remember in the morning, but inevitably, they don’t.

Pia: So do you feel you serve as a useful member of society?

Inspiration: Oh, yeah, for sure. Life isn’t just about the corporate world or even a hard day’s work. I like to think I’m the colour in a drab world. I inspire great creative works; music, poetry, novels, paintings, sculptures, dance, handicrafts, decorating, cooking, advertising, preaching. There’s no part of life you don’t find me.

Pia: So tell me about a typical day. Do you have an office?

Inspiration: I can work in one, but usually you’d just see me standing by the window, deep in thought.

Pia: So when it would seem to an onlooker that you were doing nothing, you’d actually be having a productive day?

Inspiration: I think so. But I only inspire. I’m all about ‘possibilities’. I suggest maybe five different directions a plot can take, and then it’s up to the Creative to choose one and run with it. I’m not responsible for their action or non-action. I’m merely the Muse.

Pia: Creatives? Do you mean artsy people?

Inspiration: I think Creative is a more accurate term. A writer, for example, may not be able to decorate a room or knit a scarf or even draw a stick person; yet they can create a whole world, like Lewis’ Narnia or Tolkien’s Middle Earth.

Pia: So, do you claim credit for every work of art and every novel ever written?

Inspiration: No, I wouldn’t make such a bold claim. There are so many factors involved. But I do flatter myself that I am the spark that ignites the flame. For some people I must be the firewood that keeps the fire going. I have to hold the hand of so many Creatives. They claim they can’t work without their Muse, their Inspiration. They don’t understand that after I give them their idea, they have to put their B.I.C. (butt-in-chair) and do the actual hard work. I can’t stay with one person all the time.

Pia: Do you work better in certain settings?

Inspiration: Oh, like in a cabin by a lake or in a crowded coffee shop?

Pia: Yes.

Inspiration: I work in different ways for different people. I can inspire during the night, during a boring lecture, on a commuter train, in nature. I see possibilities everywhere. I sometimes feel overwhelmed by all the potential projects out there.

Pia: Do you ever help to see anything through to completion?

Inspiration: Occasionally, but I’m often available only at intervals. I find something bewitching about new projects. The ‘next thing’ is always more appealing than the hard work of actually finishing a project.

Pia: I know that! I have a shelf of unfinished stories. As soon as the ideas ran dry, or the story didn’t flow, or the work was too difficult, I’d think of a new project. Should I blame you for that?

Inspiration: I’d rather receive credit than blame. I have feelings, too. Sometimes I can be offended and leave for a long time.

Pia: What lures you back to a person?

Inspiration: Sometimes certain music will remind me of when I first shared the idea with the person. Kind of like being in love and going back to the old haunts. Mostly, though, I’m impressed to see the dedication to the original idea; to see how they work with it, and sit down every day to plod. When they perspire, I inspire.

Pia: So you have no part in plodding?

Inspiration: No, no! Plodding is much too mundane. I’m all about light bulb moments and plot twists and planting seeds of future projects. The Creatives plod, I show up once in a while to cheer them on. Then I leave them to their work.

Pia: Do you enjoy your work?

Inspiration: What’s not to love? I make the world a beautiful place.

Pia: Well, I’ve heard that some Creatives have a love/hate relationship with their Muse. They love it when you’re there, and they hate it when you’re gone.

Inspiration: That’s good. I must have suggested that to you.

Pia: Maybe. That makes me wonder; who gets the credit for creating great works of art, you or the artist?

Inspiration: I think of it as a symbiotic relationship, but I must admit that God is the Ultimate Creative and people create to a lesser degree only as much as He has gifted them.

Pia: Well said. Thank you for coming to visit my Blog today, Inspiration.

Inspiration: Good bye, Pia. I hope to see you with your B.I.C., finishing those great story ideas I gave you.

Pia: (hanging head in shame). Yes, you will.

Interview with Compassion

By Pia Thompson

Pia: Today I’ve invited Compassion to my blog. Welcome.

Compassion: Thank you so much for inviting me. I appreciate the time you’re spending with me.

Pia: No problem. I just wanted to begin by talking about your name. Most people have a vague understanding about it. They think of mercy and acts of kindness, but they may not know that Compassion literally means “suffering together.”

Compassion: Yes, it does.

Pia: I think a person can feel sympathy for someone who is suffering, or even empathy, imagining themselves in the same situation. But to get to the point of compassion is the next step. It’s an action word. It’s the time you roll up your sleeves and get to work, or you reach out to help in a tangible way. It’s not just crying over a problem.

Compassion: That’s a good way to describe it.

Pia: I remember that in the early years of our marriage, we talked about supporting a child in a developing country. We felt sympathy. We had the desire to act. But for one reason or another, or one excuse or another, we didn’t do it for several years. Once our daughters were school age, we finally chose a girl in Haiti, and she was educated alongside our own.

Compassion: That’s just wonderful. Thank you for doing that.

Pia: I’m not saying it to boast, because it was no hardship for us, but rather I regret that it took so long. We saw a need, but didn’t act on it. All the sympathy in the world won’t feed and educate a child. It’s that leap over to compassion after we are stirred up about something, that makes a difference.

Compassion: I understand.

Pia: I think it’s easier to show surface compassion, if you know what I mean. Like my example, sending money every month was relatively painless. Yes, it made a difference in the life of a little girl, but it didn’t really cost me. I didn’t suffer together with her.

Compassion: It’s still an act of kindness, and it did require action.

Pia: Yes, perhaps it was more of a kindness. When I think of compassion, I think of being there with a person in their extremity, like working in a slum with street kids, feeling the fear of violence like they do.

Compassion: Do you not see yourself as a compassionate person? After all, you’re an Oncology Nurse. Nurses in general are considered to be compassionate individuals, and some would argue that Oncology Nurses are even more so. It can’t be an easy field in which to work. Surely the emotional investment you speak of is involved in your work?

Pia: Yes and no. I think there is a bigger emotional investment in my patients because they’re facing a life-threatening illness. I think most people, when they think of an Oncology unit, think it must be the saddest place. Usually when someone hears I’m an Oncology Nurse, the response is always the same. They tilt their head to the side and say, “Aww, that must be sad.” Really. Every. Time. That’s why it was refreshing to go to the Oncology Nursing Conference. There were 7,000 Oncology Nurses who all understood. They “got” me. And we all wanted to do this job, and if it’s not wrong to say this, we like our jobs. It’s good to be there for someone, teach them what to expect so they’re not so scared, listen to their “story”, and be there for them. There is conversation, humour and very rarely, tears. So yes, there is some compassion there. I think I felt more compassion after we dealt with it in our family. My husband’s cancer made me a better oncology nurse because I understood what the caregiver was going through and how cancer impacts the whole family and all areas of life. But before you start to think too highly of me, let me tell you that I do keep my emotional distance from patients. It would be too much for me if I didn’t. I leave my work at work. I don’t interact with patients outside of work in any way. I have never attended the funeral of a patient. I do this on purpose. Maybe I don’t even have the emotional strength to be truly compassionate. I wonder, sometimes.

Compassion: Now, I don’t believe that! Tell me about some other concerns close to your heart.

Pia: Well, I have my daughter, Leah to thank for making me aware of some of these things. Through her, I learned about the International Justice Mission, modern day slavery, human trafficking, sexual exploitation, child labour and fair trade products. Through Falling Whistles, I learned about child soldiers in the Congo. I also care about medical missions like Mercy Ships and Christian Blind Mission; general missions like Emmanuel International or To Every Tribe; or Bible missions like Wycliffe Bible Translators or The Bible League. But again, sending money or wearing a whistle around my neck doesn’t seem like much.

Compassion: Don’t underestimate the need for senders and supporters. Perhaps that’s your role at this stage in your life.

Pia: Maybe.
                 
Compassion: Do you think you’d feel better if you physically went over there?
         
Pia: Perhaps a short-term missions project. It’s been on my mind for quite a few years now. But again, that leap from desire to action just hasn’t happened.

Compassion: Far be it from me to hold you back, but you also need to look to God for His timing, and then you’ll see all the pieces fall into place. When the time is right, you may go, but in the meantime, keep responding to those promptings to do what you can where you are. And also know that there are many ways to ‘suffer together’ with some here in your own country. Ask God to bring those situations into your life.

Pia: Thank you so much, Compassion. You always make me feel better. Sometimes I feel so useless as a Christian. I feel like the extent of my action is signing a cheque. I know I need to continue to be faithful in that, and ask God for new opportunities to serve. It’s a hurting world out there.

Compassion: It was a pleasure to be here. Let me give you a big, compassionate hug.

Interview with Selfishness

By Pia Thompson

“Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.” Phil. 2: 3, 4

Pia: Today I’d like to welcome Selfishness to my blog. Thank you for coming.

Selfishness: Yes, well, I was rather busy. My time is valuable, you know.

Pia: Yes, I appreciate that. We all have the same 24 hours in a day.

Selfishness: True, but you don’t know everything I have to accomplish in a day! My To Do list is as long as your arm.

Pia: Out of curiosity, what does your list look like for today?

Selfishness: Well, first, I had to have my morning coffee. Everyone knows not to talk to me during my first cup of coffee. I need my space.

Pia: Sadly, I can relate to that. I basically have a no-fly zone around me until I’ve had two cups of coffee. If my husband calls from work, the first thing he asks is, “First cup or second?” If I say, “First,” he’ll say, “Okay, bye,” hang up and call back later. It’s sad to be such a slave to my addictions that people fear to approach. Even my kids know not to ask a favour until afterwards, or the answer is likely to be No.

Selfishness: There’s nothing wrong with a routine, or some ‘me’ time, is there? After my coffee I have a leisurely breakfast, often the same thing every day.

Pia: Me, too.

Selfishness: Again, it’s good to know what you want, and how you like things done. Less confusion that way. People learn what you expect of them and you can be expected to be consistent.

Pia: Or inflexible. What’s next on your plan?

Selfishness: I exercise for an hour.

Pia: Exercise is good. We need to be good stewards of the body we’ve been given.

Selfishness: I don’t know about that, but I do care about my appearance, and I want to live as long as possible. Speaking of appearance, I tend to take quite a while to get ready. I like to think I’m worth the wait, though. I have my favourite products; I must have them even though they cost more. They’re such good quality and they promise to keep me young looking. Make-up is so important for looking one’s best, don’t you think? I mean, to bring out your best features, camouflage any imperfections. And salon quality hair products make all the difference. That, and a person who knows what they’re doing. I go to Andre’s on Avenue Road, but I also took a course on makeup artistry and hair styling. I also try to keep up with the latest styles.

Pia: I see. Back to your list.

Selfishness: Well, then I had the interview here with you. How long will it take? I have an appointment with my nail-lady. I’m going to get a French manicure. I like that look on me. It’s very classy, like me! Ha, ha, just kidding!

Pia: It should only take a few more minutes. Where are you off to after you get your nails done?

Selfishness: Well, I was planning to shop. Retail therapy cures wait ails you. It’s already October and I haven’t even purchased my new fall wardrobe. All my sweaters are in last year’s colours! And there’s a new style of boots I must get.

Pia: Is there something wrong with last year’s clothes?

Selfishness: Pardon me?

Pia: Are they worn out?

Selfishness: No, of course not. But they’re unwearable.

Pia: What do you do with your old clothes?

Selfishness: Usually nothing. They stay in my ample walk in closet, colour coded and organized by type of clothing. I could stand in there all day and just admire my collection. And the shoes! I have shoes to match each outfit.

Pia: Do you ever give them away?

Selfishness: (blank look) To whom?

Pia: Oh, I don’t know. There are plenty of charities who accept gently used clothing.

Selfishness: Who would want to wear someone else’s old clothes? No, I wouldn’t do that.

Pia: After shopping, what’s next?

Selfishness: I’m meeting my girlfriends, Vanity and Epicurean for lunch. There’s a new restaurant uptown that has a famous chef. He makes delicious meals that are so pretty on the plate. There’s not much to the serving sizes, but we just solve that by ordering more courses. When we’re there we often see famous people. And they see us, too.

Pia: Sounds...interesting. What about your afternoon?

Selfishness: My friends and I are going to the new exhibit at the museum. Everyone else has already been to see it and I can’t not go! I love the arts! They’re so important to support.

Pia: Do you support any charities?

Selfishness: Do you mean, like giving to the museum fund?

Pia: No, I was thinking along the lines of supporting Christian organizations or social causes; helping those less fortunate than you.

Selfishness: Well, let me see. I did pass on some of my knowledge about makeup artistry to my friend’s sister. She really needed the help. Does that count?

Pia: It’s not really what I had in mind. They say you can tell what matters to a person by looking at their calendar and their chequebook. Do you do anything that costs you, either in time or money or convenience?

Selfishness: Oh, I see. That’s why you think I should give away some of my clothes. Well, I may get a few things together, if I find the time. Have I mentioned how busy I am?

Pia: Yes, I think you may have mentioned that. Where are you going after the museum?

Selfishness: Well, after exercising, and then all that walking from shopping and the museum, I’m sore all over. I’m going for a massage.

Pia: A massage?

Selfishness: Yes. It’s absolutely necessary or I’ll be too stiff to accomplish anything tomorrow. I have a big party to plan and I need to be ready for it. I have a regular masseuse who gives the most delicious massages. They use scented oils, aromatherapy, and the men who work there are my eye candy. (wink) It’s my little indulgence for the day.

Pia: That’s quite a full day.

Selfishness: I know! Didn’t I tell you I was busy? If the massage wasn’t so relaxing, I’d need an afternoon nap. Most days I do. Just 30 to 60 minutes with no distractions; on the deck in the summer, on the couch with a roaring fireplace in the winter. I love naps. I don’t know why toddlers fight them. They’re just the thing.

Pia: What’s for supper? Are you making your family’s favourite?

Selfishness: Oh, no, you must be joking. We either eat out, so we all get what we like, or it’s every man for himself. I like to think I’m teaching them independence. They’ll thank me when they’re older.

Pia: Do you need to help your kids with their homework or take them to music lessons or sports?

Selfishness: Oh, no! I’m much too busy for that.

Pia: So you said.

Selfishness: Yes, the computer is great for helping with homework. There’s that wiki-thing.

Pia: Wikipedia?

Selfishness: Yes, that, or they walk to the library and study with their friends. I don’t want a crowd around in the evening. I need to relax after a full day. They don’t want to hang out with me anyway. As for sports or lessons, I told them I don’t have time to be their chauffeur. I’m a busy woman. Have I mentioned that?

Pia: Maybe once or twice.

Selfishness: Besides, by the evening, I’m exhausted. What more can one woman do? I need to put my feet up, have a glass of wine and watch a romantic comedy.

Pia: Do you do anything to improve yourself?

Selfishness: Haven’t you been listening, my dear? Everything I’ve done is for me! To improve my health, my appearance, my cultural awareness, my social standing, my acquaintances, my perfect little family. What more could I possibly be doing? There are only so many hours in a day and I’m just one woman. I can’t be expected to change the world, can I?

Pia: You could try.

Selfishness: (looking at watch) Well, I really need to go. My nails are atrocious and I can’t be late for my appointment. This went longer than I expected.

Pia: I’m sorry. I know your time is valuable and you’re a very busy woman. This talk has been an eye-opener. I think just hearing you tell me about your plans today has made me see how much you’ve been an influence on my life and my thinking.

Selfishness: That’s very kind of you to say so, dear. I do hope we can get together again, soon, maybe for coffee or lunch at that new bistro. I heard their calamari is delectable. Oh, and will you send me a copy of this interview? I want to show it to my friends. They’ll never believe I found the time in my busy day to be interviewed. But you know me; I like to think of others.

Interview with Darkness

By Pia Thompson

“Hello Darkness, my old friend. I’ve come to speak with you again.”
Simon and Garfunkel

Pia: Today I’ve invited darkness to my blog. You don’t mind if I keep the lights on, do you Darkness?
Darkness: Well, yes, but I’ll put my sunglasses on. The glare, you know.
Pia: It also hides your eyes. You like to keep things hidden, don’t you?
Darkness: I have that effect. But then, most people like me for that reason. I can keep their secrets. I enable them to sin without fear of discovery.
Pia: Yes, I can see how they would think that, if they didn’t know the God who sees all. Light and darkness are the same to Him. We can’t hide.
Darkness: Thankfully, I’ve convinced most people otherwise.
Pia: I suppose you wouldn’t get the dread or respect you do if people saw how easily you could be driven away.
Darkness: Yes, dread and respect. That’s a good way to put it. Most people don’t love me. They appreciate what I give them. A cover, a cloak. Others dread me not for my own sake, but for the sake of the things they imagine I’m concealing; Bogey men or violence.
Pia: Once, when I was young, a boy locked me and his sister in my closet. I remember the feelings I had in the darkness. It was the middle of the day, but it was so dark in there, there weren’t even any shadows and my eyes wouldn’t adjust to it. The darkness seemed to close in on me. I felt the clothes over my head and the toys on the floor. I was crying and begging him to let us out. His sister tried to command him, but he didn’t do it for a long time. I never thought I was claustrophobic, but I started to find it hard to breathe. When he finally opened the door, I felt such relief. I never looked at that closet in the same way. And I’ve always feared getting trapped, since then. Whenever I’d hear about someone being trapped in a walk-in freezer, or a mine, or children hiding in an old appliance and suffocating, I could remember that place and those feelings.
Darkness: It’s funny how that happens. I show up and all kinds of imaginary things join me. I’m not so malignant, you know. Just an absence of light.
Pia: You’re not so innocent, Darkness. You said yourself that you like to provide people with a covering for their evil deeds. Do you not feel any sense of responsibility for your part in it?
Darkness: If you’re asking if I enjoy it any sense, then yes, I do. I feel I bring out a person’s true self. I help lower their inhibitions. People do things in darkness they’d never do in the light.
Pia: Yes, I know that from personal experience, sadly.
Darkness: Care to elaborate?
Pia: Not really. Paul says, “For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light. And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather, expose them. For it is shameful even to speak of those things which are done of them in secret. But all things that are exposed are made manifest by the light, for whatever makes manifest is light.” Ephesians 5:8, 11-13
Darkness: Ahh, my arch-enemy, Light. You had to bring him into this, didn’t you?
Pia: Well, you know that just as you symbolize evil, so light is a symbol for the highest good, God Himself; Jesus Christ. He said He was the Light of the world, and Peter says we’ve been “called out of darkness into His marvellous light.” It’s when I think about Jesus, and His power to create Light by speaking into darkness, it chases away shadows and fears.
Darkness: Funny how even shadows can frighten. They are only hints of the deeper darkness to follow, yet people see in them all manner of things.
Pia: You’re right. My sister and I were often alone most evenings because our Mom worked in a restaurant. Sometimes we’d watch t.v. shows we shouldn’t have, like Night Gallery or Dracula. I’d have a hard time turning out the light. I’d check in my closets and under my bed, and then turn out the light and scan the corners of my attic bedroom with my flashlight. The problem was, as soon as I’d finish one side of the room, I’d have to start over because I feared “something” had moved into the darker corner. Checking under the bed was never reassuring. I thought as soon as I fell asleep, a trap door would open up under my bed, releasing the Bogey Man. I never let my hands or feet dangle over the bed. That was just inviting danger.
Darkness: (laughing) Oh, I love it! I don’t even have to do anything and I set people trembling.
Pia: You’re not always bad, though. Sometimes the darkness can give me a feeling of solitude. In the silence, it’s easier to pray, and easier to talk about difficult issues when no one can see our faces. It’s easier to confess and seek forgivenss.
Darkness: Finally, some positive feedback. You’d think I was personally responsible for every evil in the world.
Pia: No, but you symbolize it, and you are the ultimate end for those who don’t know Christ. Hell is a place described in terms of “outer darkness” and the “blackness of darkness forever”. Darkness also implies being alone and terrified. Hell is a fearful place, but “He has delivered us from the power of darkness, and conveyed us into the kingdom of the Son of His love, in whom we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins. “ Colossians 1:13
Darkness: I am what I am. Take it or leave it.
Pia: Well, you’re here to stay for now. In Heaven, there will be no Night. It’s the opposite of hell. There will be nothing to fear.
Darkness: I guess I’ll still be working then, in that other place.
Pia: Job security will be little comfort then. Let’s talk about threats and memories, and how they come back in the darkness.
Darkness: Some of my favourite topics. What about them?
Pia: I’ve noticed that you can use one fearful event, even one that didn’t take place in darkness, like a physical assault or a threat of violence, and it comes back magnified in the dark.
Darkness: (clapping his hands) Yes! Yes! I love that! I didn’t even instigate the original event. I just provide the setting, create the mood, add a few unexplained sounds around the house, suggest to your mind that maybe you didn’t lock the door, and suddenly those threatening phone calls you’ve been receiving make you jump when the phone rings. Or you have flashbacks about a real event. So much mileage just by one turn of the earth.
Pia: Well, thank you for visiting my blog tonight. Perhaps you should go before the sun comes to chase you and your shadows away.
Darkness: (rising to leave and removing his glasses to reveal coal black eyes) Yes, I’ll go, but remember it’s always night time somewhere in the world.

Interview with Fear

By Pia Thompson

Pia: Today, I’m speaking with Fear. He is well known to most of us. Fear has been a constant companion to many, a casual acquaintance to others. Welcome to my blog today, Fear.
Fear: Thank you. It’s my pleasure to be here. Always good to see you, again, Pia.
Pia: Now, Fear, you and I are well, I wouldn’t say old friends, but we do have a history at the very least.
Fear: Yes, we do have a history. I’d like to think we still have a connection. Wouldn’t you?
Pia: Yes, well, for the sake of those who don’t know you as well, I’ll introduce you. Fear first made an appearance in my life after the death of my Father. I was three, my sister was five. Fear is a near relative of Insecurity. Some say the family resemblance often makes it difficult to tell them apart.
Fear: If I may interject, I think I’m stronger than my cousin. Insecurity is far too fretful.
Pia: Yes, I agree. But you both bullied me in my early years.
Fear: Such a strong word, bullying. We don’t do any more than you allow us to do. Please don’t play victim with me.
Pia: Anyway, my mother turned to alcohol to cope. I felt very alone. She was often depressed and would sit in the dark at home. I remember hearing on the news about a single mom who drove into the water, killing herself and her two daughters. I remember asking, “You wouldn’t do that, would you, Mom?” Somehow her reassurances didn’t help.
And because my father died young in a car accident, I feared the same could happen to my mother and we’d be left alone.
Fear: If I may, how am I to blame for any of this? Did I drive the car that killed your father?
Pia: No, but you and your cousin whispered to me on those many nights when I slept with the light on.
Fear: Don’t bring my cousin, Darkness into this. Let’s just stick to you and me.
Pia: Very well. I turned inward. I may have been more naturally shy being the younger sibling. But in my school years, I became painfully shy, beyond description. I was the queen of malingering, pretending to be sick to avoid the stress of school. Because of my home life, I spent many nights sleeping over with friends. I was drawn to “whole” families who loved each other, talked and joked. I knew that’s what I wanted if I ever had a family.
Fear: Excuse me while I dab at my tears. So touching.
Pia: No one would ever accuse you of being sensitive, Fear. But I do have to thank you.
Fear: Thank? Me? Whatever for?
Pia: You are a motivator of sorts. You helped me want to escape, find a better life; happiness.
Fear: Did I succeed?
Pia: Yes, but I wouldn’t go so far in giving you all the credit. When I first heard the gospel, it was fear of judgment that motivated me to come to Christ, although it was love that kept me. I knew when I heard the bad news, that it was true. I was a sinner and I deserved to suffer the wrath of God. When I heard the Good News, that God had provided a way of escape through Jesus Christ, I ran into the arms of a Father who would never leave me alone. This was the beginning of my life as a Christian. But you didn’t leave me, Fear.
Fear: Well, not to boast, but I am faithful.
Pia: I knew my fears were inconsistent with a life of faith, that they showed a lack of trust in God, but a lifetime with you wasn’t easy to shake.
Fear: Oh, I recall being kicked to the curb more than once.
Pia: Yes, it was those Bible verses. They helped me see you for what you really were.

“ Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by your name;
You are Mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned,
Nor shall the flame scorch you.”
Isaiah 43:1,2

Then said I:
“ Ah, Lord GOD!
Behold, I cannot speak, for I am a youth.”
But the LORD said to me:
“ Do not say, ‘I am a youth,’
For you shall go to all to whom I send you,
And whatever I command you, you shall speak.
Do not be afraid of their faces,
For I am with you to deliver you,” says the LORD.
“ Behold, I have put My words in your mouth.“
Jeremiah 1:6-8

“ For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”
2 Timothy 1:7

Pia: Why are you covering your ears, Fear?
Fear: I thought this was an interview, not Pick-on-Fear Day.
Pia: So what have you been doing with yourself, lately? Besides hiding in closets and under beds?
Fear: Ouch. Although there is merit in those things you mentioned. Some people never shake well established childhood fears. Get ‘em early, I always say. But to answer your question, I’ve left you alone for quite a while now, haven’t I?
Pia: Yes. Some of my fears and insecurites fell away as I became an adult, others left as I matured as a Christian. Once I learned how easily I could make you flee, by prayer and the Scriptures, I became more confident.
Fear: See, you found yourself a Christian man, built yourself that dream Christian family you always wanted, with love and laughter and joy. Oh, excuse me a moment while I bring up my lunch.
Pia: You’re right and wrong. My mother stopped drinking when I was seventeen. The lights turned on, quite literally. I began to know her and we now have a great relationship. God blessed me with a husband and a family. He showed mercy to me by also saving my children. Yes, I have a happy family life, like I had always dreamed. But it’s not all sweetness and light. We live in a fallen world. My husband developed bone cancer in his leg thirteen years ago.
Fear: He’s alive, isn’t he? What does that have to do with me?
Pia: Yes, he’s alive, thank God. God spared him, and all of us. During that time though, I had no assurances he would survive. I’m an oncology nurse. I know that not everyone has a happy ending. I was afraid he would die. Our girls were 6 and 8 at the time. I feared they would grow up without a Dad, like I did.
Fear: But they didn’t. I’ve kept away since then,let you go on with your storybook life, in a beautiful house in the suburbs, with your mother living with you, and a dog, no less!
Pia: Yes, life is good. I thank God for His blessings. I know I don’t deserve them. Now, though, I see your subtlety. You’re not attacking in the old way. Now you dress up in opportunities.
Fear: Please explain how I manage to scare you by opportunities.
Pia: Fear of failure is a great motivator. It makes me work hard. But fear of success is different. I know that in order to succeed, I need to take risks, step out of my comfortable world, and risk rejection. Sometimes it’s safer to stay in mediocrity; not promoting myself, not finishing writing my books, because then I’d have to push the baby from the nest. What if it doesn’t fly? Suddenly I’m an insecure child again, afraid of the world out there. All alone. That’s why I just blog for myself and keep my partially finished manuscripts on a shelf. It makes me feel I’m working towards something without ever getting there.
Fear: So, let me get this straight. I am responsible for the bad things in your life, and the good things? I keep you in your mediocre existence so you won’t take chances because of your fear of failure AND your fear of success? I didn’t know I was that good. I need to update my resume. I impress myself!
Pia: No, Fear. You’re still loathsome, no matter what form you take. But I’m wise to you. I see how you operate and I don’t have to allow you to freeze me in time. I learned long ago that you are not invincible.
Fear: Well, so happy for your insights. Glad we had this little chat, but I must be going, scaring little children and all that, you know.
Pia: I can’t say I’m sad to see you go, but I am glad we had this talk. You’re not so intimidating in person. I thought you’d be taller. And I totally wasn’t expecting the British accent.
Fear: (rising to leave) Goodbye, Pia. I’m sure I’ll see you again sometime. Think of me when you can’t finish writing something. I may be around the corner, holding hands with Success.