Terrorist Attack in Canada

October Journalling

1.     Work, although busy is manageable. I don’t feel so stressed about it anymore. Thank God!

2.     Finished painting the desk, shelves and table for my writing room.

3.     I am a Dollar store junkie. Just wanted to share that. Oh, and staffing at work is just ridiculous. We had 17 patients for two nurses. Really? Eight or nine patients each. That is just unsafe. And then for some reason, I couldn’t sleep AT ALL after my night shift even though I was so exhausted.

4.     Going out with the ladies from church to celebrate the birthday of one of them. I like this group.

5.     My co-worker’s wedding is this evening. We’ll miss church, but I’ll catch the sermon I missed on-line. Oh, technology!

6.     I don’t know why I am so sore. Since they refilled my prescription of muscle relaxants and I’m taking more, it’s like I am as stiff and sore as before. Did they give the wrong medication, or maybe a generic type that doesn’t work as well, or a placebo? I can’t figure it out. This morning I woke up at four a.m. in pain and couldn’t find a position that was comfortable, so I got up and took some Naprosyn, which is an anti-inflammatory. I tried to crochet and listen to the Bible on kindle audio. I’m so frustrated. I had pain control for only one month! So I have the chronic nerve pain syndrome, and the chronic muscle and joint pain syndrome, but how do I explain the bone pain in my pelvis and spine? Arrrgh!

7.     Work is okay, but I am worried as I am having sharp pains in my abdomen and I feel lumps in various places, which were not there before.

8.     More abdominal pain this time in my upper left side. Trying to cry in secret. Trying to stay calm as I’ll see my Doctor on Saturday. Gotta get through.

9.     Finished my last night. On my way home I had a sharp pain in my right upper abdomen and I feel a large lump over my liver. Do I wait till after Thanksgiving to deal with this or go to emerg? I would tell someone else to get it checked it right away, but will a few days make a difference?

10.    I went to my doctor and it seems the Naprosyn caused gastritis, an inflammation of the stomach, so I have to stop it. Also, the muscle relaxant stopped working, so she’s changing it to something else. Apparently that can happen. But I only had one month pain-free! Sigh. And she’s sending me for an ultrasound.

11.   Shopping for Thanksgiving dinner.

12.  I woke up early and decided to surprise my family with baked cinnamon rolls and apples. The house smells delicious.

13.  Happy Thanksgiving! My back was aching so much. If we didn’t have everyone bringing something it would have been harder. We had 3 apps, 3 mains, 3 carbs, 3 veggies and 3 desserts. A pretty complete meal, I’d say. The other downside is I started to have a panic attack but my youngest daughter knew what to do and we stopped it halfway without any meds. I only had the first one a year ago. That was scary since I didn’t know what was happening.

14.  Hard to work tonight since I haven’t been able to sleep in the day. My new meds still aren’t available at the pharmacy and the old ones are not working or stopped so my chronic pain is more acute.

15.   Mid-October already? I haven’t even planted our tulip bulbs yet. I had to stay home from work tonight. I went to bed crying and woke up crying three hours later. Just starting on the new med, not a lot of relief yet. So tired of being in pain. Thank you for attending my pity party. Complimentary tissues at the door.

16.  I stayed home from work a second night. Until these new meds start working, I’m in agony.

17.   My husband and son-in-law and brother-in-law left for their weekend fishing trip with the guys from the Soo. My eldest daughter is coming to stay with me. I had an appointment with my counsellor this morning, mostly talking about leaving church and how to work through the forgiveness process. As time goes by I feel less sad and more angry. My biggest fear is to become bitter. Also got to hear my grandbaby’s heartbeat when my daughter went for her midwife’s appointment. Sounds like a boy to me! Then we bought a few baby things and maternity clothes.

18.  Spent the day at a Bible conference with my daughter and 200 others. It was called Kingdom through Covenant with Dr. Peter Gentry. I appreciated that my daughter was willing to go there with me.

19.  My daughter came to our church today. Our men returned safely, having caught their limit of six large fish each, mostly trout.

20.  I have my abdominal and pelvic ultrasound today. If there’s no explanation for some of my symptoms, I’m going to start to wonder what is happening in my head. Results to my doctor by Friday. My husband and I started going through the worksheet on forgiveness together. This grieving process is going to take a long time.

21.  Back to work tonight. Apparently my ultrasound was normal, which is good news.

22.  Today there was a terrorist attack on Ottawa, and an unarmed reservist soldier was shot in the back while guarding the tomb of the unknown soldier at the war memorial in Ottawa. He was 24. Then the terrorist ran into the Parliament building and started shooting. He was killed by the Sergeant-at-arms. This is the second attack this week. Another soldier was intentionally run over by a car.

23.  The country seems to be reeling from the attack yesterday in Ottawa. It’s the end of our innocence.

24.   After work, I slept two hours then went to counselling. I would have liked to stand by the highway of heroes to watch as the soldier’s body went by. The situation was so sad.

25.   We attended a three hour class today at church on the basics of the gospel, done for anyone interested in church membership. Then we will get info on the church itself, see if we agree with it, then write out our testimony, meet with the elders, then we’ll present our testimony in front of the church.

26.  I missed church this morning due to pain. I searched pain clinics but it seems the wait times are measured in months. So discouraging.

27.   I need to see about changing my meds. Hard to get through my day.

28.  I’m increasing my meds until we get to a dose that works for me. Work at least, has been quiet this week. Also was given a sleeping pill so I can feel more rested. Also, finally a diagnosis. I have fibromyalgia.

29. I saw my counsellor again and we are breaking down the big pain/grief I am feeling into all the small events that made it so painful. I feel my emotional pain is decreasing, but mostly because of distance rather than time. If I had to see the people that had caused me pain, on a daily or weekly basis, it would bring it back up again. I hope to one day be able to forgive the people I feel have hurt us, even if they never ask for forgiveness. I’m learning that forgiveness is about the offended, not the offender. They may never apologize, but I don’t have to be held captive by the hurt they caused. I don’t have to become bitter.

30.   Working through the process of forgiveness has been helpful for my husband as well. We talk about what I’m learning together and verbalizing the hurts validate them. Then we can put them behind us.

31.  Happy Reformation Day! It’s sad how few people know what happened on this day in church history 497 years ago. Google October 31, 1517 and see what you find.