February Journaling1. Our daughter is in labour. It started last night at 3 a.m. This afternoon she called and said it was painful. I said, sorry to tell you, but this is only early labour. She is currently in hospital, and it’s almost midnight. No word on our grandbaby yet. We’re so excited.
2. So the baby came before midnight after all. Feb 1st. It’s a boy! Benajamin! I have a grandson. Early on I thought it was a boy, then later I imagined it was a girl, and now I am getting used to the reality that it was a boy after all. So happy for them. Our poor daughter had almost 21 hours of labour. Children don’t come into the world without some suffering.
3. I’m in love. His name is Benjamin and he’s 6 pounds 7 ounces and already half a metre tall! He’s very alert and is already trying to hold his head up even though he’s only a day old. We saw him last night at my daughter’s home. She was in hospital less than 12 hours, which was good for me, too since I have trouble in hospital settings. My mom came along with us. Of course I’ll post a picture.
4. Another nightmare. They’re so terrifying usually about hiding from a serial killer, sometimes in my own house. I wake up, try to calm down, and then have trouble falling back asleep.
5. Another nightmare last night. They seem to be a weekly occurrence. Thanks to counselling I know to tell myself they are not real, I’m safe at home.
6. Cooked lunch at WINGS today. We made homemade cream of mushroom soup, BLTs, steamed carrots, salad, and rice krispie squares. Seeing the Naturopath again today. Last time I brought her a detailed health history and also a list of 100 things that have happened in my health in the last two years alone. No wonder I’m anxious! She loved the list and history and said it was the classic presentation of Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, which I also have. (I suspected as much). She said while it’s not good that everything has happened in the past two years, the fact that I got diagnosed within a shorter period of time than most people, means there is a better prognosis for a dramatic improvement. So nice to hear good news for a change! This time she asked what I needed, and I said to lie down. So I got on the table and she continued talking to me and then even brought over papers and held them over my face to show me, since it’s hard for me to turn my head. I really appreciate her kindness.
7. We went back to see Benny again, this time to bring my mother-in-law to meet him. He changes so much.
8. We had Winterlicious at church today. You could sign up as either a guest or host. We were guests as we were originally expecting the baby this week and I didn’t want people to be counting on us. But it was nice to get to know two other families.
9. Went back to my family doctor today. Off work for 3-6 months, more referrals and tests to be done, but I feel she is more supportive.
10. As difficult as this illness and all that has resulted from it has been hard on our marriage, I must say I'm thankful to God that my husband is now more sensitive, supportive, thoughtful and caring to me than ever. This was in large part due to meeting with others who are experiencing similar issues and hearing from him how best to support his wife and help her with her losses. In turn, it made me try harder to be positive and have a plan. He says he is also encouraged that I am taking positive steps in my health. Win, win.
11. Today I am going to stay with my daughter for two nights. I hope I can be of some help to her, even to let her sleep more, but I do worry about my energy levels.
12. Last night I was able to babysit so my daughter and son-in-law could go out for dinner. It was a nice time of bonding with my grandson. Then I helped with middle of the night feedings and helped him learn to sleep in the bassinette. Even though I’m tired, I’m glad I was able to be of some help.
13. Another doctor’s appointment and bloodwork this morning.
14. At church tonight, there is a Valentine’s Day event that the men are putting on to show their appreciation for the women in the church.
15. We went to WINGS today for an open house as my mom wants to start supporting them as well as helping out with cooking once a week. It’s always encouraging to hear testimonies.
16. At counselling last week we talked about my nightmares and she asked if I ever considered dream interpretation. I said no, never. She said sometimes dreams are just dreams, but the fact that my nightmares are recurring themes of having knowing an unknown person who is trying to take my life while all I can do is hide and not fight back, could be the fact that although I know my illness is not life-threatening, to my emotional self it is terrifying and I can’t really see what I’m dealing with so all I can do is hide and hope it doesn’t get me. (Run on sentence, I know). Anyway, then I had a dream that I was just going into the house and a guy who was walking by just charged towards the door. At first I froze, then jumped inside and tried to close the door. In this case it was a sliding glass door so I could see him. I worried I wouldn’t be able to close it in time, but I did, then I screamed for my husband. I woke up then. She said it was interesting that this time I saw his face and had to do something more active to protect myself, at the same time that I was getting more aware and accepting of my illness and being more proactive about helping myself. Funny, eh? Then she said it would be interesting if my dreams changed at all. Then the next time I had a bad dream it did change. This time it wasn’t a nightmare, just normal anxieties about normal things, like fear of being overdrawn by thousands of dollars. So I got up and checked our account on-line, saw everything was okay, and went back to sleep. I wonder if I am beginning to see some new coping skills developing. Anyway, that was an interesting perspective on things. I find my Christian counsellor is very insightful and helpful.
17. I went downtown to see another specialist today just to be told there’s nothing he can do for me. For once, I’d just like a doctor to see me as a mystery to solve.
18. Yesterday I led the women’s Bible study. I could only do a lesson I prepared a long time ago, but it was well received and it felt so good to do it.
19. Went to the Naturopath today for a vitamin infusion.
20. Went to prepare lunch at Wings again. Some ladies from church joined me to see what it’s like there. My menu was homemade split pea soup with ham, veggies and hummus, garlic cheddar biscuits with a cold cut plate, and apple crisp and ice cream.
21. We had a baby shower for a new arrival at church this morning. Then I made curried chicken for dinner.
22. Woke up in pain. I guess my two weeks are talking back to me. I stayed home from church, although I’d rather be there. I need to listen to my body.
23. The cleaners are coming today to do a spring cleaning of blinds, baseboards and light fixtures. I also asked them to do a vacuuming since our vacuum broke and we have twenty people coming on Saturday for the baby shower.
24. I had a little more energy today and ran a few errands today. Now I’m worn out.
25. I bought a few more things in preparation for the baby shower. Worn out. Also, I went to counselling and she agreed I didn't need to come back, that I had developed coping skills. Yay! I graduated.
26. Christians are the most persecuted group in the world, yet you'd think it was journalists by the amount of coverage they receive in the news. So shocking about those 21 Egyptian Christians who were beheaded by ISIS. Such wickedness in the world. At least they were able to speak at the end and call out to Jesus. They didn’t deny their faith, praise God.
27. We made lunch at WINGS again today. Thankfully, there were enough helpers from our church. We made two kinds of chili with cheese, nachos, bread, and corn bread muffins, salad, carrots, and cookies and cream dessert. Then we babysat Benny and he stayed for his first sleepover at Mummi and Pappa’s house.
28. Baby shower today to welcome little Benny. We had twenty people over. So many helped so it wasn’t too overwhelming. We only get one chance to welcome our grandson, so it was worth the expenditure of my last bit of energy.